It's been a while since I have written. A lot has happened. Stacy and I got married. It was a beautiful ceremony. The weather was somehow amazing for February. We didn't invite too many people, because it was last minute and we wanted to keep it really small and intimate. It turned out very well.
We are also expecting a baby. I don't know if it is because I am older, or because I am more educated, but I am more nervous this time around. I think I am more nervous than with my first. I have had two miscarriages, so I just get anxious any time I cramp a little or if there is any spotting. I have also seen some very close friends go through losses, so I know that not every pregnancy has a happy ending. Also, there are a bundle of feelings. I am excited because even though people don't know, we have been trying for a while, and I was starting to wonder if it might not happen for us. But lo and behold, the timing must have finally been right. I also feel a little guilty. Because I know how much this stings for those friends who are trying and having no luck, or the ones who just want a healthy pregnancy but have miscarried. I know that feeling all too well. And for my friends who have lost a child, and while they are truly happy for me, they still have to swallow down the hurt, grief, and mixed feelings that in turn make them feel guilty as well. Just know I am not taking this for granted. I know I have been blessed. I am going to try not to complain about anything with this pregnancy, but I am only human and I know it will end up happening, so I will apologize in advance.
There is just so much running through my mind right now. My kids are so excited, and I am just sad that Stacy's kids are still not allowed to see us or be a part of this. He gets to set a court date next week. But this is all just not fair. They legally already have joint custody. And it's been over 7 months since we have been allowed to keep them or see them other than at the home study. Who is she to decide that he should miss all this and the memories with them? Especially since they tell her and other people that they miss him and want to be able to see him. She has admitted this. The home study lady has written this up and how they are hurting because of this. What kind of mother does that to her own children? Even if he and I happened to not work out, I would never keep this child I am carrying for him. For my own petty reasons. With absolutely no good reason. And feel justified about the decision, to be so blind as to what you are doing to those children. I guess I will never understand how you can treat someone who blessed you with children so poorly. To have that much hate for that person. Your children are half that person, and you must have loved them at one point to make those children with them. I know writing this I will get a lecture from everyone on how I should keep my mouth shut, but I have to vent or I am going to explode. How can someone claim to be a Christian, and still live the way they do, and hurt so many people? But I guess if I got paid to go to church and work what should be a volunteer position, I would put on that front too. Still living and doing things that most people don't know about, but if they did they would be sick. But on that topic, God and I are good. We have a great relationship, and I talk to him daily, I pray with my kids and teach them about God. So I don't need a lecture on that either. I just don't understand it. The people who know us both, know the true her though, so I guess I shouldn't worry about it. But it gets hard when you are waiting for something like this to be resolved. This is our lives you are talking about. What hurts me the most, is I was allowed to love those kids and be a part of their lives, and then it was just ripped away. It's not fair! To them, to their dad, or to me. Yes, I am their step mom. Yes, they are my bonus kids, so yes I have a right to love them too. I am so ready for this to be over. Please pray it is resolved soon. Because so far, no one seems to care that they are growing up and precious time is slipping away.
