Mixed Emotions

      When Emma was about 18 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. This pregnancy was again unplanned, but I was on birth control this time. Apparently birth control doesn't work right for me. I was scared and nervous at first, but I thought it couldn't be so bad since we already had one child. I haven't told many people about this, only Jared and a few friends know about this pregnancy, because just when I was getting used to the idea of adding another baby to our family, it was taken away. About 8 or 9 weeks into the pregnancy, I was in water aerobics class with my friend Jessica. I was doing my thing and all of the sudden I started cramping. I got out of the water, and went to the restroom, and there was bright red blood. I started shaking and immediately went home. I continued to cramp and bleed and pass clots all night long. I had lost the baby. This is still hard for me to talk about.
      I stayed in bed and cried for days. I think Emma was staying with my mom for a few days, so I had no excuse to get out of bed. It hurt so bad. Mourning for someone that I had not even met or held in my arms. For something that I hadn't even know that I wanted. Jared tried to comfort me, but I didn't want to be touched. I kind of shut him out for awhile. I know it had to be hard on him too, but men mourn in different ways. I sat and wondered what I had done wrong. Did I exercise too much? Was it because I had cleaned the cat box out before I knew? Was there something wrong with me? Eventually the pain kind of numbed a little, but of course it will never go away. I still wonder what that child would have been like. Would it have been a boy or a girl? We named him or her Charlie. We know that in our hearts we have four babies, and that sweet baby is waiting for us in Heaven.
      After a couple of months, I decided that I did want to try again. It was a hard decision at first, but I knew that it was what I wanted. We found out we were pregnant again on Emma's second birthday. We decided to only tell mine and Jared's mother this time since it was so hard going back and telling the friends I had told that I was no longer pregnant.
      As hard as that time was for me, and how I couldn't figure out the reason, I know now it was so I could have my sweet Jackson. If I had carried Charlie full term, then I wouldn't have my wonderful, sweet, funny boy. The same boy that infuriates me in one moment, and the next is curling up in my lap loving on me. And I can't imagine my life without him. He has made everything way more interesting, and he definitely keeps me on my toes. That loss caused me to count my blessings, and love on my kids every chance I get. We are not guaranteed tomorrow.

The day Jackson was born.

Sweet, sleeping boy.

Emma is such a proud big sister.

Jack is one!!!

My big boy now!!! He is five. Isn't he handsome?