Far From Perfect

     So June was an awful month. It started out with a horrible bang. I got some awful news that I have to pretend I didn't hear. I'm not good with something I have to hold up in myself. It starts to eat at me. Needless to say, it started me on a downward spiral back into some self destructive habits that only a few people know I have. They don't hurt anyone but me, nor do they affect my abilities as a good mother, they just take their toll on me.
     I have a few good best friends who stick by my side for all the bad and good. When I get like this I try my hardest to push people away. But I have three people who stick by me no matter what. Jared, Stacy, and Erika. They are the only three people who know everything about me, and don't let it change their opinions about me. I don't have many girl friends. I have never been able to keep them. I may be too odd, sarcastic, and dark humored for most people. Most of my friends are guys, and I know that makes people talk and wonder about me. I don't know why you think you deserve to know what is going on in my life if we haven't talked since high school, nor have you ever bothered to ask me. So what if the two closest people to me are men? What does that matter to you? Does it hurt you in any way? All you need to know is they are both there for me in my darkest times, and we are all friends and get along.
     I have decided that I am not in a healthy place for a committed relationship at this point in my life. That I really need to work on myself and figure out who I am as a person alone first. I know I am an excellent mother and caretaker, but who or what else am I? What is my worth and purpose for being here? I have a habit of writing really morbid depressing poetry when I am like this. My latest piece is about my struggle with myself lately. Don't take it literally, because I would never take myself from my babies purposely. It is just my lack of self worth at the moment, and not wanting to be myself.

I'm drowning.
Stuck between a tug of war.
I'm sinking.
Shaken to my bitter core.
I'm broken.
Not so easy to walk out the door.
I'm torn.
Wondering what my life is for.
It's winning.
The desire to be no more.

     So there. That is one of my dark secrets. Crappy, depressing poetry writing. I have some happy good ones too. But they don't come to me as easily as the sad stuff.
      I have been getting a lot of judgment from people lately. Sadly enough most of it comes from people who are far from perfect. Just let it go. It's my life. Yes, I know I am not perfect. But guess what? Neither are you. I know the issues, problems, and secrets you have. So leave mine alone.
      I am going to be selfish for once in my life and focus on me. And of course my children. No longer am I going to care what others think, or try so hard to make everyone around me happy at the expense of losing myself. I have serious trust issues with people, and don't let many in. I hate that I have been proven right so many times in my lack of trust, but it has happened too many times to count, and has made me into the person I am today. Luckily, I do have those few friends willing to stay by my side even as only friends despite what others may think. So at the moment, no, I am not in a committed relationship with anyone other than my kids. And no I am not going to sleep around for those of you who think you can start back with trying to send me dirty messages. No thanks. I never did appreciate that, but I am a nice person so I try to be nice in my responses back. But seriously, despite the rumors you may hear or what you think you may know about me, I am not that kind of person, and I am not easy.
     I guess the point in this blog was to get some things off my chest, to tell people to come to me if you have questions, to clear up the rumors about me, and to explain to people why I have been reclusive this past month. Doesn't matter, because my true friends are always here for me. Even if they live miles away. I love you guys. Thanks for putting up with me and my crazy mess.