A Balance

     In this life there must be a balance of things. For every life that leaves this world, another precious soul enters it. For every act of evil, there is just as much kindness we don't see. Sadly enough, the violence is glorified, and gets all the attention. The good guys are not rewarded enough, while the bad guys get their fifteen minutes of fame and go down in history. Also, sadly enough, it takes these very acts of evil to wake people up. But only for a moment. Tomorrow everyone will go back to their numb, blissfully ignorant existence.
      Things like this are becoming the commonplace in our society. It is almost expected, and I don't understand this, and I never will. And instead of everyone banding together, and learning to love one another, to respect one another for our differences, everyone takes a side and makes it about politics. Honestly, to both far sides, you are wrong. And you shouldn't make this about your agenda. For those who call for the banning of all guns, well what will that solve? That will not stop the criminals from getting them. Has it with drugs? Did it with alcohol during the prohibition. No, it did not. And those who call for more guns, and the idea of arming "good guys" with guns. Well my dears, how are you to know the good guys from the bad? Even some of you put on a good show. Most bad guys were once good guys. But some people snap. Some people are weak. This is just my unbiased opinion. Yes, I do have my own opinion on the matter, and it is somewhere in the middle. Where I fall on most issues. I am lucky enough that I have an open mind, and can see valid points from both sides. And in this bipartisan world, if everyone had a little bit of that let's work together and get things done attitude, then we would be a lot better off.
      It is moments like these that remind us we are only human. We are not immortal, and life on this Earth is fleeting. Here today, gone tomorrow. So today, if you are lucky enough to have those you love around you, grab onto them and hold on for awhile. It's moments like those you will never regret. In the end, nothing else matters.

Anxious

      Today I am feeling cagey, stressed, anxious, and on edge. It seems like lately if it can go wrong it does. I wrote a blog yesterday about some of my feelings, but I cannot post it because I always have to censor myself so I don't upset others. I really don't like that. I also don't like that I am one of those people who cares so much what others think. I want everyone to like me. So when someone doesn't it kills me. I do have my own opinions, but I keep them to myself because I detest confrontation. I wish I was one of those free spirits who did what I wanted, who cared less what everyone else thought of me, and who was allowed to have my own opinions and make up my own mind.
     Christmas is coming up, and fast. I am worried about making it through this season. We still have presents to buy, but absolutely no money to buy them with. I have already delayed paying the mortgage so we could pay other bills. And it seems like everything else around me is falling apart. Both cars are at 200,000 miles. If we have one fixed and running at the time, the other one decides to quit. What if they both choose to quit at once? My phone is just about completely dead, and I can't afford to buy a new one, or my own plan. And I know this seems trivial in comparison to other people's problems, but we don't have a house phone, so that phone is my only way of communication if something goes wrong. Which scares me, because you never know.
      Get a job you say. If that were possible, believe me I would love to. But given this economy, and how little they choose to pay the LVNs in this town, my entire paycheck would go towards daycare. So I just feel stuck in this loop. Like I can't get out. I wish I could go back to school, but I don't have the funds to do so, and no I can't get a grant or financial aid because we technically make too much, and I already have a bachelors degree. How is it possible that we make too much, but can't afford the simple basics of everyday life? Some days even buying diapers is a struggle. On more than one occasion, I have had to get creative with meals. Macaroni and spam, anyone?
      I know I sound whiney today, but this is how I am feeling. I will not apologize for writing down my thoughts on my own blog. I had to write it down, and get it out so I can let it go. I am very blessed in so many other ways, believe me, I do not take those for granted. I try to be positive every single day, but being human this is not always possible. If you are truly human, and not a robot, you know I am right. I am thankful that I have three healthy, wonderful children, and that we somehow always find a way to get them the things they need. Every now and then I wish we could do more for them, because if you know my children, you know they truly are awesome little people. They are respectful and mostly well behaved. And that makes me proud. We do have a home at the moment despite being behind on payments, and electricity with heat, and that is more than some others have, so I say thank you for those things.
     I just have to remind myself that this too shall pass. It is one of my favorite quotes, and sometimes I just have to remind myself that these things that seem so important at the moment won't matter next year. Or maybe even next month for that matter. Just hold on. Try to stay positive. And forge ahead. It's all any of us can really do anyways.
      One another note: My anxiety today was also brought on by the senseless and awful tragedy that took place this morning, and I try making sense of things I don't understand by writing about them. The shooting at an Elementary School in Connecticut that took the lives of at least 26 people. Mostly innocent young children. I just do not fathom how someone could be selfish enough to harm a child. In any way. Much less take their little life away. All I could do was cry as I looked at the horrible, heartbreaking images of the scared children whose lives will never ever be the same. The poor heartbroken parents who have to come home without their children tonight and see their little unopened presents under the tree. It is things like this that magnify the small anxieties I have, because this is something that I cannot make sense of. It is one of those horrific, unpredictable tragedies that no one understand. All I can do tonight is hug my precious babies, and hold them close to me, because you never know how long you will have them for. We are all here on borrowed time, so make the best of it. And tell those you love that you love them. You may not have them tomorrow.  
     
     

What you See...

     How is it possible that you don't truly know the person closest to you in your life? Someone who has been in your life for half of it. Someone you have spent the better part of a decade with, day in and day out? Also, how is it possible to miss something that was never real to begin with?
     Looks can be deceiving, and if it looks too good to be true, then it probably is. People you put on a pedestal eventually come crashing down. Perfect doesn't exist. Fairy tales are not real despite you trying to convince yourself they are. Sad to say, most people's lives I know are fake. A cover. No one is as happy as they make it seem.
     I am the kind of person who wants everything to be good. I put on a brave face, I wear my smile so no one can see how much I am hurting on the inside. Most people would be surprised to know some of the things that have gone on in my life, because I keep everything bottled up and hidden. Only a couple of real, true friends know everything about me.I detest confrontation, and I have a hard time telling people no, so I will usually just let everyone run all over me. I will take the blame in situations even when it isn't my fault. I will shoulder everything until it just gets too hard to bear. I am loyal and faithful to a fault. I may be the last person on Earth who is. But I can't force myself to do something without caring how it will affect everyone involved. I have seen way too much deception. I know way too many people living a lie.
     But I have learned not to believe everything I see. I am not that naive little girl anymore who believes the best in everyone and likes to pretend things are all rainbows and unicorns. But I still would do anything for anyone, and I will continue to give everyone a fair chance. Then second chance, and third until eventually I get tired of excuses. You will get the benefit of my doubt, but if you break my trust or my heart, it is a very, very hard thing to earn back.
     When I love someone, I put my all and my everything into that. I give them my whole heart and all of my soul. I don't think it's asking too much to get some of that in return. From someone who is supposed to love you. Has made vows and signed a written contract to. Who says they do but then cannot show it. Will not communicate with you, but puts up a wall instead. Who deflects with humor even when the situation warrants seriousness. What do you do when you have been begging that person for years, and years to show some kind of emotions, to stop shutting you out? Do you continue to have the same pleading war until you are eighty? Do you just put your feelings and life on hold while he tries to figure everything out when you aren't even sure that's possible? When you have asked him over and over to get help, and he swears he will, but in the end it doesn't mean enough to him to do it? Isn't it safe to assume that person doesn't want it bad enough? Or at all?
     A wise person once told me that the person who loves the least in the relationship holds all the cards. And that is so true. Because they have the most power to hurt the other person. It hurts when someone can't tell you that you have ever been number one to them when they were always yours. When they can't tell you why they have never been able to fully commit to you? Why they cannot give you their whole heart? I guess when that person seems to have given up the fight and doesn't care anymore, it is time to let go. As hard as that may be. That is a whole different kind of mourning. I mourn for the person I thought I knew, and the person I thought I had. I mourn for what I wanted us to be more than what we were. I mourn for the future we planned together that will never be. Because he can't even figure out his present. And refuses to deal with it or try.
     In the end, I know I am a strong person, and I will do what I always do. Suck it up and put on my happy face. I am a great mother, and I got three beautiful, amazing kids out of the deal. I just have to learn that it isn't about me, that there is something in him that needs to be fixed, and that I need to respect myself enough to know that I deserve more than what he can give. I am lovable. I am not defective, and who knows? Maybe one day I will get that fairy tale happy ending.

It's Better To Give Than Receive

     As we go about our celebrations this season, lets remember that we are very lucky for the things we have, and remember that some people have nothing. Literally, nothing. With the rising prices, horrible economy, you would not believe the number of homeless or poverty stricken children in this country. I remember a few students I had when I was teaching that were happy when gifted with hand me down clothes. You would not believe the smiles on their faces when we would give them a brand new to them jacket or shoes.  I wish I could have done more, and helped them all, but sadly it is not possible alone. 
     But if every person would just donate a little something, we could make this season special for many others. You can start by just putting your change in the salvation army's buckets or just buying one toy to donate to toys for tots! Even something that small will add up. If every person would just take this small action, it would add up. Grab an angel of the tree and teach your children to give back. Let them buy a present for a child their age. It starts with you. So remember that we have a lot to be thankful for, and make a child's Christmas by donating a little something. It does make a BIG difference. :-) 

I Don't Fit In

        I am one of those people that just never finds a place to fit in. I am not saying this in a whiney, poor, pitiful me way. By now I have learned to accept and embrace my oddness.
      As a child, I loved to read, and would rather play by myself than with others. I had more imaginary friends than real ones. I always had just one close friend at a time. While my brother and sister were playing together, I was off somewhere alone either reading or in my own pretend world.
      In middle school, I was actually a part of the "popular" group for awhile. But I noticed they had this knack of talking bad about other people in the group when they were not around, and it made me wonder what they were saying about me when I was not there. So I decided I didn't want to be a part of that, and left and joined my own odd group of people.
      In high school, I preferred the company of guys because they told it like it was and weren't two-faced. So most all of my friends were males. Which of course earned me some not so nice nicknames, because if I was hanging around boys then I must be sleeping with them, right? Which was not the case. But everyone liked to run their mouths and make assumptions. So I let them. My senior year, I was working all the time and was no longer a part of band. I also got pregnant that year, so you really find out who your friends are then. Out of everyone, only a few awesome girls stuck by me, but surprisingly most all of my guy friends did. That was pretty amazing.
      In college, I was a new mother and wife. I didn't have many friends because I couldn't go out and party on a whim. My family and grades came first. So I felt a little lonely at times. More often than not, Emma and I were home alone. My baby was my best friend at the time. I talked to her like she was an adult and carried on conversations with her. Which benefitted us both. She was talking in complete sentences at eighteen months, and I had my little buddy with me always. She still seems wise beyond her years to this day. She is a GT student and is so quick witted, I can't pull anything with her.
      Even now, I still find it hard to fit in. I am not a Republican, nor am I a Democrat. I never agree with how the majority thinks. I can't be a part of a group of women, because I can't stand how two-faced most women still are, and how they use every chance to gossip and talk about others just because they have a different opinion. I have my few close girlfriends, and I will keep it at that. Less drama that way. I still have guy friends though, so people will still talk, but as long as my husband knows and is okay with it, then no one else should have a problem. But I do know one thing for sure, I am a great mother, and maybe that is my place in life. And you know what? I am okay with that. :-)

A Great Man

     This Sunday is the first anniversary of Jared's grandfather's death. I cannot believe it has already been a year since he left us. It does not feel that long. The pain is still as fresh as it was then. We still have our hard days. The days where everything seems to remind us of him. The kids still miss him so much. They still call Jared's grandmother's house Ma and Paw's. They still ask about him and talk about him all the time. We keep pictures up to remind them he is still with us in a way. Even Livi now will point to his picture and say Paw Paw. Those moments are bittersweet. She will never truly know what an amazing man he was. When she kisses his picture, my heart hurts because he would have enjoyed watching her grow up so much. He adored his grandchildren, and they were crazy about him. The thing that gives me comfort is that the older kids remember him, and will be able to share those memories with her.
      I met William Ross Tucker in 2001 when Jared and I first started dating. He was so welcoming. It was amazing how quickly I felt the love. He started calling me sis immediately. Which from then on out was his pet name for me and his granddaughters. So I felt like his granddaughter from the start. He was one of the sweetest, nicest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He had so many stories that he loved telling. By the time he passed away, I had heard a few of them over and over, but they never got old because of the excitement in his eyes as he told them. When we blessed him with his great grandchildren, they were spoiled rotten. And when they would come over, he would get in the floor on their level, and play with them like he was a child as well. They loved that.
     The thing that stands out about him the most to me, is what a wonderful husband he was. He and Ma were married for 60 years. And you could tell how much he cared for her until the last breath he took. He did not leave this world until we assured him that we would take care of Ma. He set an example to me of how a man is supposed to treat a woman. He made me believe that true love really could exist. That a man could be faithful to a woman and do everything in his power to make sure she was happy and knew she was loved. They were by each other's side until the end. You never saw one without the other somewhere nearby.
     He was diagnosed with Melanoma in April 2011. He never let his diagnosis get him down. Even in the end, when you could tell how much pain he was in, he always had his smile and he continued to joke around with everyone. Such a positive, courageous, and inspirational man.
     In September of 2011, we knew the end was near. I had the amazing honor of helping to care for him in his last days. Providing respite care for Ma, his daughter and son who were there every minute of every last day. Even in the last few days, when he could no longer talk, he would grab my hand, and look me straight in the eyes with kind of a thank you. That will always mean the world to me, because I know in some way, I made a difference to a wonderful man in his last days. I tried to help him leave this world with his dignity intact.
     The day he passed away, we got that awful call saying to come quick. Even though we knew it was coming, you still can't prepare for that moment. When your heart hits the ground. The big kids had already said their goodbyes, so we left them with family, but we took Livi with us. We got there, and Jared went to his bedside. He looked up and grabbed sweet Livi's foot. In those last moments right before death, he seemed to have some clarity. Jared reassured him that Ma would be okay. Pawpaw stared at Livia, and she stared back at him with her sweet smile. Then, he left this world. She will forever be the last person he was looking at before he passed, and I hope that gave him some peace. And that is something that can never be taken away from her, despite the fact that she will not remember. She will know this.
    William Ross Tucker left us on September 30, 2011. But he left a legacy. He left some of his spirit in each of his grandchildren. That beautiful, sweet spirit will never be gone. He will always live on.

PawPaw and Jared. He loved his PawPaw so much.

PawPaw and the kids when we went camping as a family.

PawPaw and Emma. I love this picture.

Jackson and PawPaw. They adored each other and were "best buddies".

PawPaw admiring Livia after she was born.

PawPaw and our babies. This was right after his diagnosis.

     

The Things We Pass On

     I was watching Livia play with her dolls today, and I noticed that she was changing the babies diapers and putting cream on their bottoms. Then, she picked a baby up and rocked it after wrapping it in a blanket. She also decided to share her milk with the babies and it went everywhere. I couldn't be angry because she smiled at me with that sweet hard-to-resist smile. Then, she grabbed up her babies and laid down with them and cuddled them. This is just play time for her, but for me, it is a reassurance that I am doing things right. On a day when I am doubting everything, and what I should be doing in life, she reassured me that I AM doing something important. I am teaching her how to be a sweet, caring person, and that makes me feel so good.
     Have you ever sat down and thought about all the things you are passing on to your children? Emma looks like mommy, enjoys science and is an excellent artist like her daddy. She has both of our sarcastic sense of humor. She has my sweet, sensitive, easy to hurt personality, which on any given day can be a blessing or a hindrance. Jackson has his daddy's funny personality, my stubborn nature, and he was gifted with my bad eyes and his daddy's tendency to shut down and not talk about things when they are going wrong. Livia is a perfect mix of mommy and daddy in the looks department. She is strong willed like me, but has her daddy's big ole brown eyes which tend to get her out of trouble. It is amazing how much of both of us they got.
     I hope to pass on my sense of humor, my willingness to do anything for anyone, and my open minded and non judgmental nature. I hope they do not get my anxiety, self doubt, and quick temper. I hope they get their daddy's talent, kind heart, and joking nature. I hope they do not get his inability to communicate his emotions.
     Sit down and think about what you are passing on to the little eyes who are always watching you. Is it what you want them to have? Some things you cannot help, genetics are hard to change, but you can shape and mold them with encouragement to be good people. Set them up with the right choices. They may not always choose them, but hopefully you will have taught them right from wrong, and maybe when you least expect it, they will use something they learned from you. So next time you see
your little one playing, sit and watch for a minute. Do you like what you see? It can be eye opening.

Changing Tenses

      Yesterday the world lost a beautiful soul. My aunt Glenda(Ginna) passed away. She was only 58 and was in a car accident. It seems like lately there have been so many deaths, too early in life, and hitting too close to home. Was it always this way, or do I just notice it more now that I am getting older? I have had so many friend lose their babies or children lately as well. Was this always the case? Was it always the norm? Or was this another thing I was blind to also. My heart is aching right now. One thing that makes it harder, is when you are telling a person about your loved one, and you forget to change tenses. From is to was.
     I noticed this yesterday when I was telling a friend about how sweet my aunt Ginna is/was. I would type is, and then have to go back. Delete, delete... and type was. Two simple words, but they make all the difference. When you change is to was, it is like it is final. That person is no longer with us. She was yesterday. Today she isn't. My heart hurts right now as I am writing this. It hurts for her children, it hurts for my mom, it hurts for my sweet, amazingly strong Granny (her sister) who has dealt with so many hard things lately. My heart also hurts for all of my beautiful friends dealing with losses right now. This is something you never, ever get over. Why do people so young have to leave us? Even when they are old it still doesn't hurt any less even though it is "normal", whatever that is. After a while though, you learn to live with the heartache. You just block it out after time. Keep yourself busy, somehow manage to go on living, but if you ever stop for a minute and think about it, it is a fresh as when it happened. So all of those people who tell others to get over a loss, obviously have never lost anyone important to them. Because it is something you never "get over".

My AdvoCare Journey

Okay, so I started with AdvoCare in March of 2012. My first experience was with the Spark energy drinks in high school, although at the time I didn't know who made them, I just knew that I bought them and they gave me enough energy to get through my long shifts as a waitress/hostess which could sometimes stretch until about midnight. I didn't hear anything more about them until my cousin signed up to sell at the beginning of this year. She worked very hard to try to get me to sign up, but since I had tried so many weight loss products before, I was skeptical.
      Jared lost his job in February 2012. At the time I was not working except for making bows for people on the side. Abbi once again approached me about AdvoCare, telling me how well she was doing on the products and selling. She told me it 100% risk free, so if I wasn't happy I could get my money back for signing up. Well that sold me. What did I have to lose then? We were down to $200 in the bank, so I decided to go for it. In the first week, I sold enough that I was not out anything, and then I actually started to make a profit once word spread. AdvoCare got us through until Jared got a job! We didn't have to sell our house, and we could still afford to feed our kids. And once again I was in love with the amazing energy that Spark gave me. It helped me to get up off the couch and start moving. It made me feel better about myself.
      I started taking the weight loss products in May 2012. I started with the 24 Day Challenge, it is expensive so I waited until I was at a better discount level before I bought it. Let me tell you, it was very well worth it. And once I figured up the cost of junk food and eating out, it is way more affordable than you would think (just $7.70 a day). The first portion consists of a 10 day cleanse and Spark. In our culture we hear the word cleanse and shudder. I won't lie to you and say the fiber drinks taste good, because that would be a lie, but the results were awesome, and I learned if you mix the drinks with orange juice they are substantially better. I wasn't running to the bathroom all day long like I thought I would be(just once in the morning), I didn't feel dehydrated, and I didn't have to drink a gazillion gallons of water like with most cleanses. I lost a pound a day, and by the end of the first 10 days, I had lost 10 pounds!!! On the second part of the challenge you do a 14 day weight loss system, Spark, and replace one meal a day with a meal replacement shake. The weight loss system is not a miracle pill. The whole point of the challenge is so you will start feeling better, learn new habits, and gain more energy. It did just that for me. Not only that, but I lost 8 more pounds bringing my total to 18 pounds lost in 24 days. Since then, I have continued on with a few additional products (they are cheaper in comparison to the challenge and they last longer as well). I have now lost 25 pounds in 2 months, and I have not gained any back. When I started, I hated myself. I had bad skin, a dangerously high heart rate, and I couldn't get off the couch. Now I have energy to play with my kids, my skin is bright and glowing, and my heart rate is normal again!
     Financially this has been a blessing. When we started, we were $18,000 in debt, and had no money in savings. Since starting in March, we are now down to only $7,000 in debt (my paychecks are expendable), and we have actually put money in savings for the first time in years. We are no longer living paycheck to paycheck. As of right now, I make an extra $500-$900 a month, but I am on track to replace my old income working as an LVN at the hospital. I am not going to lie and say you start out making excellent money, my first check was only $12. Like anything you will have to work at it. But it is your own car, you drive it how fast or slow you want. The blessing is no minimum quotas, plus once you get to a discount level you stay there, unlike some other direct sales companies. Also, if you just want to sign up for the discount, that is fine as well.
      Not only am I helping myself, and my family, but now I am helping others. Every time I get another email from a happy customer saying they have lost more weight, or they have more energy, or they just feel better about themselves, it makes me ecstatic. That is just me though, otherwise I wouldn't have become a teacher or a nurse in the first place. Helping others gives me a sense of purpose and accomplishment.
      If you would like to learn more about the challenge go to www.the24daychallenge.com or if you would like to read more about my story and browse or buy products go to my site www.myadvofreedom.com. Find me on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/AmberTuckerIndependentAdvocareDistributor
They have a ton of products, not just weight loss. They have energy products, performance and muscle building products, skin care, and general wellness as well. Prices range from $18-$185(for the challenge bundle of products). There is something for everyone with AdvoCare, whether is a product, or a business opportunity. I can only tell you my own personal success story, but hopefully I can help you to have your own!

Before staring with AdvoCare in February 2012

After my 24 Day Challenge in May 2012

Before & Since

The 24 Day Challenge Bundle!

My Love, My Sanity, My Better Half

    Jared and I went to school together our whole lives. I didn't really notice him until High School when we were in band together. He was just some goofy, funny boy. One by one, our friends started pairing up and dating. So we were kind of forced to hang out with each other while they were all gaga over each other. On band trips we sat together, rode rides together at amusement parks, and talked to each other while they were all making out. I didn't really think much of him at first honestly, and I had a boyfriend at the time. But he was hilarious and always had me laughing even on my bad days.
    One day, during our town's Oktoberfest, we were abandoned by our friends again. We made the most of it, and hung out together for the day. This was the day I introduced him to my mom. That doesn't sound like much, but to get the full picture, you have to know how he was dressed. It was a day that started out warm, but ended up colder than you would imagine for a town in Texas. We had a marching band performance that morning, and he had forgot to bring his other shoes. So he was wearing shorts with long johns underneath, nerdy white band shoes, a flannel jacket, and a toboggan. Oh and I forgot to mention he had hair to his shoulders at the time. My mom tells me now she thought I was introducing her to a homeless person. We really had fun together that day, and I didn't realize it, but I hated for that day to end.
     In May of 2001, our band took a trip to Disney World. My boyfriend didn't want me to go, he said that he didn't want me alone with Jared. Which looking back is understandable now, but I reassured him, and told him that Jared was like a brother to me, and that was it. And honestly, that was how I thought I felt about him. Since our friends were paired up, once again we rode rides together the entire first day. He kept me laughing all day.
      The next day, he got up really early and left with another group. Somehow all day long we never ran into each other. We were at Epcot, and at the time there weren't many rides, so the group I was with were bored out of our minds all day. At the end of the day, our band director had us meet up at the front. Apparently, Jared had been bored too, and when he saw me, he ran to me and hugged me, and told me how much he missed me. My heart did a little flip, and I felt a happiness I couldn't place. (At this point I was still in such denial that I didn't realize I was falling for him.)
     That night something awful happened. Our band director called me and my group of girlfriends into his room. He broke some awful news to us. One of our friends back home had lost her father in a horrific accident. We were devastated. We went back to our room and cried. Jared and his friends did not know about this, and they prank called us. All he could hear when he was talking to me, was me crying. The next minute, someone was knocking at our door. It was Jared, and he just let me cry on his shoulder while he hugged me so tight. This was the moment I knew that I had fallen for him. He had my heart.
     The rest of the band trip we were inseparable. Watching fireworks cuddled up together, holding hands, and riding every ride together. The night we left, I was sitting with one of Jared's friends on the bus. Jared had me switch seats with the person sitting with him, and he let me listen to a song that spoke to me. This song is now our song. Drive by Incubus. "Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there. With open arms and open eyes, yeah." Every time I hear this song now, it takes me back to that moment. We just sat there not speaking. Kind of afraid to. I mean, I still had a boyfriend, and at this point Jared and I hadn't put in to words how we felt about each other. At lights out on the bus, we cuddled up against each other, and were about to go to sleep. In the next moment he was kissing my forehead. He trailed down, kissing my nose, and eventually my lips. Our first kiss was magical!!! In that minute I knew that I wanted to be with him, and I didn't want to go back to reality.
     When I got home the next day, I called my boyfriend, had him come over, and I broke up with him. Of course he didn't take it well, but I felt that I had to do it. There we numerous other reasons at the time. I called Jared later that day and told him. And we have been together ever since. I am not saying we haven't had our moments. We have broken up, fought, and disliked each other at times. But we were high school sweethearts, and to this day we still love each other. I believe we always will.

My goofy boyfriend.

The day we were married. 8-2-04

Us now! <3

A Sweet Surprise

     About four years after Jackson was born, things were moving right along. I had finished the long and grueling year that was LVN school. We took a fun vacation to Disney World with the kids, and when we returned, I managed to secure a job the day I applied for it. Things were just how they were supposed to be. I decided in that month that we were more than likely finished with having kids. We had our girl, and we had our boy. The perfect American family. Jared had a good job, and now I did too. So we decided Jared would get a vasectomy.
     We started researching vasectomies, and even scheduled Jared's first evaluation. Work was going well, and I was very busy trying to adjust to working and running the household. I was late, but didn't think anything of it since I am so irregular anyways. Then, one day at work I got really sick. The stomach flu was going around, so I figured I had it. A couple weeks later, and I still didn't feel right. I looked at the calendar and it had been 9 weeks since I had my last period!!! Had I been that busy? So we decided to take a test. And it was positive! I am pretty sure that I punched Jared in the shock. I mean things were going well, I was getting used to working, and I thought we were complete. I couldn't have been more wrong. When I finally got in to see the doctor at 13 weeks, and they did that first sonogram, she already had little arms and legs, and looked like a baby. I was super excited now.

Look at that baby! 13 weeks!

      I had wonderful pregnancy other than horrible morning sickness the whole time, and one kidney infection. Livia actually decided to come on her own, on her due date! I told Jared the whole time I was pregnant she was going to be a spitfire with a personality all her own. And she definitely has been. She came out with a head full of dark hair unlike my other two almost bald blond babies. I can honestly say that she has been a wonderful baby, and she has completed our family. For good now! I can't imagine life without her!  She has been another wonderful, surprise addition to our family. And I am blessed to have the opportunity to stay at home with her since I didn't get to with the other two. We are complete!

The day she was born!

Pretty baby girl.  

Livia at one month old with her brother and sister.

Livi is one!!!

Livia now!

Mixed Emotions

      When Emma was about 18 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. This pregnancy was again unplanned, but I was on birth control this time. Apparently birth control doesn't work right for me. I was scared and nervous at first, but I thought it couldn't be so bad since we already had one child. I haven't told many people about this, only Jared and a few friends know about this pregnancy, because just when I was getting used to the idea of adding another baby to our family, it was taken away. About 8 or 9 weeks into the pregnancy, I was in water aerobics class with my friend Jessica. I was doing my thing and all of the sudden I started cramping. I got out of the water, and went to the restroom, and there was bright red blood. I started shaking and immediately went home. I continued to cramp and bleed and pass clots all night long. I had lost the baby. This is still hard for me to talk about.
      I stayed in bed and cried for days. I think Emma was staying with my mom for a few days, so I had no excuse to get out of bed. It hurt so bad. Mourning for someone that I had not even met or held in my arms. For something that I hadn't even know that I wanted. Jared tried to comfort me, but I didn't want to be touched. I kind of shut him out for awhile. I know it had to be hard on him too, but men mourn in different ways. I sat and wondered what I had done wrong. Did I exercise too much? Was it because I had cleaned the cat box out before I knew? Was there something wrong with me? Eventually the pain kind of numbed a little, but of course it will never go away. I still wonder what that child would have been like. Would it have been a boy or a girl? We named him or her Charlie. We know that in our hearts we have four babies, and that sweet baby is waiting for us in Heaven.
      After a couple of months, I decided that I did want to try again. It was a hard decision at first, but I knew that it was what I wanted. We found out we were pregnant again on Emma's second birthday. We decided to only tell mine and Jared's mother this time since it was so hard going back and telling the friends I had told that I was no longer pregnant.
      As hard as that time was for me, and how I couldn't figure out the reason, I know now it was so I could have my sweet Jackson. If I had carried Charlie full term, then I wouldn't have my wonderful, sweet, funny boy. The same boy that infuriates me in one moment, and the next is curling up in my lap loving on me. And I can't imagine my life without him. He has made everything way more interesting, and he definitely keeps me on my toes. That loss caused me to count my blessings, and love on my kids every chance I get. We are not guaranteed tomorrow.

The day Jackson was born.

Sweet, sleeping boy.

Emma is such a proud big sister.

Jack is one!!!

My big boy now!!! He is five. Isn't he handsome?

Two Pink Lines

     I was always a good child. I was scared to do anything wrong, because I didn't like disappointing my mom. I was always harder on myself than others were. I remember getting in trouble in elementary school once for not writing my name on my paper, and I about had a mental breakdown. I was an A student, and was upset at myself if I got B's. I knew by September of my senior year where I was going to college, and already had a full ride. It was my goal to graduate in the top 10 of my class. How many teenagers do you know with that goal instead of being popular?
     Jared was a nerdy band geek just like me. He was extremely smart, and he was in every club and group in high school. We were good kids. But like other teenagers we had sex. We were safe and smart, and used condoms. I should have got on birth control, but I was too scared of disappointing my mother so I never asked her about it.
     One day, I was late. I was so scared, and Jared was away at college, so we decided to wait and take a test when he came in that weekend. I had him pick up a test, because if any of you know about life in a small town, if I had bought one, it would have been the town news by that afternoon.
     We waited until the morning he had to leave to go back to school to take the test. That three minutes waiting was the longest three minutes of my life! Of course in my head, I already knew what it was going to say. We slowly went and looked... two pink lines!!! We started bawling in each others arms. I had never felt such a scared feeling in my life.My life changed in an instant, and we grew up in that moment. We were no longer kids anymore. We were parents.
     We just sat there and stared at each other. What were we going to do? How had this happened? We were both smart, how could we have let this happen? And yes kids, if you don't think it can happen to you, guess again. I went to work that day and started brainstorming ideas. That is what kind of person I am. I have an initial freak out moment, but then I brainstorm and usually come up with a good plan. I never even considered abortion, that is just something I could never make myself do. And I am so emotional that I knew that I would never be able to carry this tiny person for 9 months, and then just give her to someone else. That would scar me for life. So we would have her and raise her ourselves. I thought about it, and Jared was already in college, and I was going to the same college when I graduated, and I had a full ride, plus an additional stipend for living. So we would just get married and live in a cheap apartment while we finished school.
     Trying to find a way to tell my mom was the hardest thing. In the end, it wasn't me who told her, but the small town gossip that got back to her. I felt awful seeing the disappointment on her face. She was a teen mom, and although she wouldn't change that, she wanted better for me. She wanted me to get a good education and succeed in life. But she is supportive of me, and backed me 100%. Without her, I wouldn't have made it. Jared was away the whole year at college, and I felt so lonely, and missed him so much, but mom was always there for appointments and sonograms. For the labor and delivery. She was by my side the WHOLE time. I will never be able to thank her for having the strength for both of us.
     There were so many people who told me we couldn't do it. That I would never graduate with a baby, and that the majority of teen marriages end in divorce. But I was DETERMINED to make it work. I would succeed and show them all. Luckily, we have wonderful parents who helped us out. We both had financial aid, so not only did I have scholarship money, but financial aid left over each time too. And I was blessed to have a mature-for-his years partner (he was only 19 at the time). I know so many teen moms are not that lucky. But he stuck by us and was determined to be a great dad. And he has been.
     We now have three kids, and they are all wonderful, smart, healthy children. I thank God every day for all that he has blessed me with. These guys keep me going. They are why I push myself to finish my education.
     I have since graduated with a bachelors degree in early childhood education, and an LVN certificate as well. Jared graduated cum laude with a bachelors in graphic design. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you can't or won't succeed. It is possible. We are proof!

The day Emma was born. This pic says it all!

                                             

Proud daddy!

                                                                   

(One day old, pretty and pink!)

One month old!

                                                                 

First birthday!

                                     

My beautiful first born now! I can't believe she is eight!

Getting Started!

     So, I have decided to start a blog. Everyone else seems to be doing it these days, so why not? I always enjoy reading them, so I figured I would give it a go. I am doing this mainly for myself, to keep up with what is going on in my crazy, busy life. And also for my kids when they are bigger. I want to keep up with the funny, amazing things they do, because it flies by so fast. One of these days the simple memories I write here will be the only way I remember something sweet that I try so hard to take a mental picture of in my brain.
    First, I will tell you a little about myself, and why I entitled my blog what I did. I am a 25-year-old (26 tomorrow, yikes!) mother of three. Emma is eight, Jackson is five, and Livia is about to be 18 months. I am a Licensed Vocational Nurse, but for the last 18 months, I have been blessed to be a stay-at-home mom. (I do not take this lightly as I know some women would give anything to be in my shoes!) I am currently trying to finish my pre-requirements up to go back to RN school. I also have a bows and accessories business on facebook, and I sell AdvoCare products (but more about those later!). I am married to an amazingly, awesome man, Jared, and have been for the last almost eight years in August! I know everyone says they are married to the best guy, but I truly am! He is funny, smart, adorable, and a great daddy. He just gets me, and we are always thinking the same thing without having to speak a word.
     Okay, so about the blog title. My life really is built upon happy "accidents". I was an unplanned baby, so an "accident". Thankfully my parents got married, and had me. Of course, or I wouldn't be here. Luckily, they are pretty great parents, and have always been supportive of me. Especially my mother, who has always been there, and sacrificed so much so we could have a good life. She is one of those mothers that ate the burnt toast every time, or went without new clothes so we could have them. She is my hero. Then, when I was 17 years old, I looked down and saw two pink lines. Those lines scared me to death, but my Emma has been the greatest thing that ever happened to me (of course my other two are great too, but she was my first, and changed my life forever). Another happy "accident" that worked out for the best! More on her later as well.
     Anyways, so that is kind of an intro about me, and how I came up with the name for my blog. I will write more later, and do a few back stories, but for now, the baby is awake from her nap, and calling my name! I will leave you with some pictures, so you can put faces with the names! =)

                                            (My beautiful little family on Livia's first birthday!)

                                                          (My amazing blessings!)

                                                     (Pretty Livi on her first birthday!)

                                                                 (Jack & Emma)


*Also, please ignore any grammatical errors, sorry about those! =)