Anxious

      Today I am feeling cagey, stressed, anxious, and on edge. It seems like lately if it can go wrong it does. I wrote a blog yesterday about some of my feelings, but I cannot post it because I always have to censor myself so I don't upset others. I really don't like that. I also don't like that I am one of those people who cares so much what others think. I want everyone to like me. So when someone doesn't it kills me. I do have my own opinions, but I keep them to myself because I detest confrontation. I wish I was one of those free spirits who did what I wanted, who cared less what everyone else thought of me, and who was allowed to have my own opinions and make up my own mind.
     Christmas is coming up, and fast. I am worried about making it through this season. We still have presents to buy, but absolutely no money to buy them with. I have already delayed paying the mortgage so we could pay other bills. And it seems like everything else around me is falling apart. Both cars are at 200,000 miles. If we have one fixed and running at the time, the other one decides to quit. What if they both choose to quit at once? My phone is just about completely dead, and I can't afford to buy a new one, or my own plan. And I know this seems trivial in comparison to other people's problems, but we don't have a house phone, so that phone is my only way of communication if something goes wrong. Which scares me, because you never know.
      Get a job you say. If that were possible, believe me I would love to. But given this economy, and how little they choose to pay the LVNs in this town, my entire paycheck would go towards daycare. So I just feel stuck in this loop. Like I can't get out. I wish I could go back to school, but I don't have the funds to do so, and no I can't get a grant or financial aid because we technically make too much, and I already have a bachelors degree. How is it possible that we make too much, but can't afford the simple basics of everyday life? Some days even buying diapers is a struggle. On more than one occasion, I have had to get creative with meals. Macaroni and spam, anyone?
      I know I sound whiney today, but this is how I am feeling. I will not apologize for writing down my thoughts on my own blog. I had to write it down, and get it out so I can let it go. I am very blessed in so many other ways, believe me, I do not take those for granted. I try to be positive every single day, but being human this is not always possible. If you are truly human, and not a robot, you know I am right. I am thankful that I have three healthy, wonderful children, and that we somehow always find a way to get them the things they need. Every now and then I wish we could do more for them, because if you know my children, you know they truly are awesome little people. They are respectful and mostly well behaved. And that makes me proud. We do have a home at the moment despite being behind on payments, and electricity with heat, and that is more than some others have, so I say thank you for those things.
     I just have to remind myself that this too shall pass. It is one of my favorite quotes, and sometimes I just have to remind myself that these things that seem so important at the moment won't matter next year. Or maybe even next month for that matter. Just hold on. Try to stay positive. And forge ahead. It's all any of us can really do anyways.
      One another note: My anxiety today was also brought on by the senseless and awful tragedy that took place this morning, and I try making sense of things I don't understand by writing about them. The shooting at an Elementary School in Connecticut that took the lives of at least 26 people. Mostly innocent young children. I just do not fathom how someone could be selfish enough to harm a child. In any way. Much less take their little life away. All I could do was cry as I looked at the horrible, heartbreaking images of the scared children whose lives will never ever be the same. The poor heartbroken parents who have to come home without their children tonight and see their little unopened presents under the tree. It is things like this that magnify the small anxieties I have, because this is something that I cannot make sense of. It is one of those horrific, unpredictable tragedies that no one understand. All I can do tonight is hug my precious babies, and hold them close to me, because you never know how long you will have them for. We are all here on borrowed time, so make the best of it. And tell those you love that you love them. You may not have them tomorrow.