How is it possible that you don't truly know the person closest to you in your life? Someone who has been in your life for half of it. Someone you have spent the better part of a decade with, day in and day out? Also, how is it possible to miss something that was never real to begin with?
Looks can be deceiving, and if it looks too good to be true, then it probably is. People you put on a pedestal eventually come crashing down. Perfect doesn't exist. Fairy tales are not real despite you trying to convince yourself they are. Sad to say, most people's lives I know are fake. A cover. No one is as happy as they make it seem.
I am the kind of person who wants everything to be good. I put on a brave face, I wear my smile so no one can see how much I am hurting on the inside. Most people would be surprised to know some of the things that have gone on in my life, because I keep everything bottled up and hidden. Only a couple of real, true friends know everything about me.I detest confrontation, and I have a hard time telling people no, so I will usually just let everyone run all over me. I will take the blame in situations even when it isn't my fault. I will shoulder everything until it just gets too hard to bear. I am loyal and faithful to a fault. I may be the last person on Earth who is. But I can't force myself to do something without caring how it will affect everyone involved. I have seen way too much deception. I know way too many people living a lie.
But I have learned not to believe everything I see. I am not that naive little girl anymore who believes the best in everyone and likes to pretend things are all rainbows and unicorns. But I still would do anything for anyone, and I will continue to give everyone a fair chance. Then second chance, and third until eventually I get tired of excuses. You will get the benefit of my doubt, but if you break my trust or my heart, it is a very, very hard thing to earn back.
When I love someone, I put my all and my everything into that. I give them my whole heart and all of my soul. I don't think it's asking too much to get some of that in return. From someone who is supposed to love you. Has made vows and signed a written contract to. Who says they do but then cannot show it. Will not communicate with you, but puts up a wall instead. Who deflects with humor even when the situation warrants seriousness. What do you do when you have been begging that person for years, and years to show some kind of emotions, to stop shutting you out? Do you continue to have the same pleading war until you are eighty? Do you just put your feelings and life on hold while he tries to figure everything out when you aren't even sure that's possible? When you have asked him over and over to get help, and he swears he will, but in the end it doesn't mean enough to him to do it? Isn't it safe to assume that person doesn't want it bad enough? Or at all?
A wise person once told me that the person who loves the least in the relationship holds all the cards. And that is so true. Because they have the most power to hurt the other person. It hurts when someone can't tell you that you have ever been number one to them when they were always yours. When they can't tell you why they have never been able to fully commit to you? Why they cannot give you their whole heart? I guess when that person seems to have given up the fight and doesn't care anymore, it is time to let go. As hard as that may be. That is a whole different kind of mourning. I mourn for the person I thought I knew, and the person I thought I had. I mourn for what I wanted us to be more than what we were. I mourn for the future we planned together that will never be. Because he can't even figure out his present. And refuses to deal with it or try.
In the end, I know I am a strong person, and I will do what I always do. Suck it up and put on my happy face. I am a great mother, and I got three beautiful, amazing kids out of the deal. I just have to learn that it isn't about me, that there is something in him that needs to be fixed, and that I need to respect myself enough to know that I deserve more than what he can give. I am lovable. I am not defective, and who knows? Maybe one day I will get that fairy tale happy ending.
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