In this life there must be a balance of things. For every life that leaves this world, another precious soul enters it. For every act of evil, there is just as much kindness we don't see. Sadly enough, the violence is glorified, and gets all the attention. The good guys are not rewarded enough, while the bad guys get their fifteen minutes of fame and go down in history. Also, sadly enough, it takes these very acts of evil to wake people up. But only for a moment. Tomorrow everyone will go back to their numb, blissfully ignorant existence.
Things like this are becoming the commonplace in our society. It is almost expected, and I don't understand this, and I never will. And instead of everyone banding together, and learning to love one another, to respect one another for our differences, everyone takes a side and makes it about politics. Honestly, to both far sides, you are wrong. And you shouldn't make this about your agenda. For those who call for the banning of all guns, well what will that solve? That will not stop the criminals from getting them. Has it with drugs? Did it with alcohol during the prohibition. No, it did not. And those who call for more guns, and the idea of arming "good guys" with guns. Well my dears, how are you to know the good guys from the bad? Even some of you put on a good show. Most bad guys were once good guys. But some people snap. Some people are weak. This is just my unbiased opinion. Yes, I do have my own opinion on the matter, and it is somewhere in the middle. Where I fall on most issues. I am lucky enough that I have an open mind, and can see valid points from both sides. And in this bipartisan world, if everyone had a little bit of that let's work together and get things done attitude, then we would be a lot better off.
It is moments like these that remind us we are only human. We are not immortal, and life on this Earth is fleeting. Here today, gone tomorrow. So today, if you are lucky enough to have those you love around you, grab onto them and hold on for awhile. It's moments like those you will never regret. In the end, nothing else matters.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Anxious
Today I am feeling cagey, stressed, anxious, and on edge. It seems like lately if it can go wrong it does. I wrote a blog yesterday about some of my feelings, but I cannot post it because I always have to censor myself so I don't upset others. I really don't like that. I also don't like that I am one of those people who cares so much what others think. I want everyone to like me. So when someone doesn't it kills me. I do have my own opinions, but I keep them to myself because I detest confrontation. I wish I was one of those free spirits who did what I wanted, who cared less what everyone else thought of me, and who was allowed to have my own opinions and make up my own mind.
Christmas is coming up, and fast. I am worried about making it through this season. We still have presents to buy, but absolutely no money to buy them with. I have already delayed paying the mortgage so we could pay other bills. And it seems like everything else around me is falling apart. Both cars are at 200,000 miles. If we have one fixed and running at the time, the other one decides to quit. What if they both choose to quit at once? My phone is just about completely dead, and I can't afford to buy a new one, or my own plan. And I know this seems trivial in comparison to other people's problems, but we don't have a house phone, so that phone is my only way of communication if something goes wrong. Which scares me, because you never know.
Get a job you say. If that were possible, believe me I would love to. But given this economy, and how little they choose to pay the LVNs in this town, my entire paycheck would go towards daycare. So I just feel stuck in this loop. Like I can't get out. I wish I could go back to school, but I don't have the funds to do so, and no I can't get a grant or financial aid because we technically make too much, and I already have a bachelors degree. How is it possible that we make too much, but can't afford the simple basics of everyday life? Some days even buying diapers is a struggle. On more than one occasion, I have had to get creative with meals. Macaroni and spam, anyone?
I know I sound whiney today, but this is how I am feeling. I will not apologize for writing down my thoughts on my own blog. I had to write it down, and get it out so I can let it go. I am very blessed in so many other ways, believe me, I do not take those for granted. I try to be positive every single day, but being human this is not always possible. If you are truly human, and not a robot, you know I am right. I am thankful that I have three healthy, wonderful children, and that we somehow always find a way to get them the things they need. Every now and then I wish we could do more for them, because if you know my children, you know they truly are awesome little people. They are respectful and mostly well behaved. And that makes me proud. We do have a home at the moment despite being behind on payments, and electricity with heat, and that is more than some others have, so I say thank you for those things.
I just have to remind myself that this too shall pass. It is one of my favorite quotes, and sometimes I just have to remind myself that these things that seem so important at the moment won't matter next year. Or maybe even next month for that matter. Just hold on. Try to stay positive. And forge ahead. It's all any of us can really do anyways.
One another note: My anxiety today was also brought on by the senseless and awful tragedy that took place this morning, and I try making sense of things I don't understand by writing about them. The shooting at an Elementary School in Connecticut that took the lives of at least 26 people. Mostly innocent young children. I just do not fathom how someone could be selfish enough to harm a child. In any way. Much less take their little life away. All I could do was cry as I looked at the horrible, heartbreaking images of the scared children whose lives will never ever be the same. The poor heartbroken parents who have to come home without their children tonight and see their little unopened presents under the tree. It is things like this that magnify the small anxieties I have, because this is something that I cannot make sense of. It is one of those horrific, unpredictable tragedies that no one understand. All I can do tonight is hug my precious babies, and hold them close to me, because you never know how long you will have them for. We are all here on borrowed time, so make the best of it. And tell those you love that you love them. You may not have them tomorrow.
Christmas is coming up, and fast. I am worried about making it through this season. We still have presents to buy, but absolutely no money to buy them with. I have already delayed paying the mortgage so we could pay other bills. And it seems like everything else around me is falling apart. Both cars are at 200,000 miles. If we have one fixed and running at the time, the other one decides to quit. What if they both choose to quit at once? My phone is just about completely dead, and I can't afford to buy a new one, or my own plan. And I know this seems trivial in comparison to other people's problems, but we don't have a house phone, so that phone is my only way of communication if something goes wrong. Which scares me, because you never know.
Get a job you say. If that were possible, believe me I would love to. But given this economy, and how little they choose to pay the LVNs in this town, my entire paycheck would go towards daycare. So I just feel stuck in this loop. Like I can't get out. I wish I could go back to school, but I don't have the funds to do so, and no I can't get a grant or financial aid because we technically make too much, and I already have a bachelors degree. How is it possible that we make too much, but can't afford the simple basics of everyday life? Some days even buying diapers is a struggle. On more than one occasion, I have had to get creative with meals. Macaroni and spam, anyone?
I know I sound whiney today, but this is how I am feeling. I will not apologize for writing down my thoughts on my own blog. I had to write it down, and get it out so I can let it go. I am very blessed in so many other ways, believe me, I do not take those for granted. I try to be positive every single day, but being human this is not always possible. If you are truly human, and not a robot, you know I am right. I am thankful that I have three healthy, wonderful children, and that we somehow always find a way to get them the things they need. Every now and then I wish we could do more for them, because if you know my children, you know they truly are awesome little people. They are respectful and mostly well behaved. And that makes me proud. We do have a home at the moment despite being behind on payments, and electricity with heat, and that is more than some others have, so I say thank you for those things.
I just have to remind myself that this too shall pass. It is one of my favorite quotes, and sometimes I just have to remind myself that these things that seem so important at the moment won't matter next year. Or maybe even next month for that matter. Just hold on. Try to stay positive. And forge ahead. It's all any of us can really do anyways.
One another note: My anxiety today was also brought on by the senseless and awful tragedy that took place this morning, and I try making sense of things I don't understand by writing about them. The shooting at an Elementary School in Connecticut that took the lives of at least 26 people. Mostly innocent young children. I just do not fathom how someone could be selfish enough to harm a child. In any way. Much less take their little life away. All I could do was cry as I looked at the horrible, heartbreaking images of the scared children whose lives will never ever be the same. The poor heartbroken parents who have to come home without their children tonight and see their little unopened presents under the tree. It is things like this that magnify the small anxieties I have, because this is something that I cannot make sense of. It is one of those horrific, unpredictable tragedies that no one understand. All I can do tonight is hug my precious babies, and hold them close to me, because you never know how long you will have them for. We are all here on borrowed time, so make the best of it. And tell those you love that you love them. You may not have them tomorrow.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
What you See...
How is it possible that you don't truly know the person closest to you in your life? Someone who has been in your life for half of it. Someone you have spent the better part of a decade with, day in and day out? Also, how is it possible to miss something that was never real to begin with?
Looks can be deceiving, and if it looks too good to be true, then it probably is. People you put on a pedestal eventually come crashing down. Perfect doesn't exist. Fairy tales are not real despite you trying to convince yourself they are. Sad to say, most people's lives I know are fake. A cover. No one is as happy as they make it seem.
I am the kind of person who wants everything to be good. I put on a brave face, I wear my smile so no one can see how much I am hurting on the inside. Most people would be surprised to know some of the things that have gone on in my life, because I keep everything bottled up and hidden. Only a couple of real, true friends know everything about me.I detest confrontation, and I have a hard time telling people no, so I will usually just let everyone run all over me. I will take the blame in situations even when it isn't my fault. I will shoulder everything until it just gets too hard to bear. I am loyal and faithful to a fault. I may be the last person on Earth who is. But I can't force myself to do something without caring how it will affect everyone involved. I have seen way too much deception. I know way too many people living a lie.
But I have learned not to believe everything I see. I am not that naive little girl anymore who believes the best in everyone and likes to pretend things are all rainbows and unicorns. But I still would do anything for anyone, and I will continue to give everyone a fair chance. Then second chance, and third until eventually I get tired of excuses. You will get the benefit of my doubt, but if you break my trust or my heart, it is a very, very hard thing to earn back.
When I love someone, I put my all and my everything into that. I give them my whole heart and all of my soul. I don't think it's asking too much to get some of that in return. From someone who is supposed to love you. Has made vows and signed a written contract to. Who says they do but then cannot show it. Will not communicate with you, but puts up a wall instead. Who deflects with humor even when the situation warrants seriousness. What do you do when you have been begging that person for years, and years to show some kind of emotions, to stop shutting you out? Do you continue to have the same pleading war until you are eighty? Do you just put your feelings and life on hold while he tries to figure everything out when you aren't even sure that's possible? When you have asked him over and over to get help, and he swears he will, but in the end it doesn't mean enough to him to do it? Isn't it safe to assume that person doesn't want it bad enough? Or at all?
A wise person once told me that the person who loves the least in the relationship holds all the cards. And that is so true. Because they have the most power to hurt the other person. It hurts when someone can't tell you that you have ever been number one to them when they were always yours. When they can't tell you why they have never been able to fully commit to you? Why they cannot give you their whole heart? I guess when that person seems to have given up the fight and doesn't care anymore, it is time to let go. As hard as that may be. That is a whole different kind of mourning. I mourn for the person I thought I knew, and the person I thought I had. I mourn for what I wanted us to be more than what we were. I mourn for the future we planned together that will never be. Because he can't even figure out his present. And refuses to deal with it or try.
In the end, I know I am a strong person, and I will do what I always do. Suck it up and put on my happy face. I am a great mother, and I got three beautiful, amazing kids out of the deal. I just have to learn that it isn't about me, that there is something in him that needs to be fixed, and that I need to respect myself enough to know that I deserve more than what he can give. I am lovable. I am not defective, and who knows? Maybe one day I will get that fairy tale happy ending.
Looks can be deceiving, and if it looks too good to be true, then it probably is. People you put on a pedestal eventually come crashing down. Perfect doesn't exist. Fairy tales are not real despite you trying to convince yourself they are. Sad to say, most people's lives I know are fake. A cover. No one is as happy as they make it seem.
I am the kind of person who wants everything to be good. I put on a brave face, I wear my smile so no one can see how much I am hurting on the inside. Most people would be surprised to know some of the things that have gone on in my life, because I keep everything bottled up and hidden. Only a couple of real, true friends know everything about me.I detest confrontation, and I have a hard time telling people no, so I will usually just let everyone run all over me. I will take the blame in situations even when it isn't my fault. I will shoulder everything until it just gets too hard to bear. I am loyal and faithful to a fault. I may be the last person on Earth who is. But I can't force myself to do something without caring how it will affect everyone involved. I have seen way too much deception. I know way too many people living a lie.
But I have learned not to believe everything I see. I am not that naive little girl anymore who believes the best in everyone and likes to pretend things are all rainbows and unicorns. But I still would do anything for anyone, and I will continue to give everyone a fair chance. Then second chance, and third until eventually I get tired of excuses. You will get the benefit of my doubt, but if you break my trust or my heart, it is a very, very hard thing to earn back.
When I love someone, I put my all and my everything into that. I give them my whole heart and all of my soul. I don't think it's asking too much to get some of that in return. From someone who is supposed to love you. Has made vows and signed a written contract to. Who says they do but then cannot show it. Will not communicate with you, but puts up a wall instead. Who deflects with humor even when the situation warrants seriousness. What do you do when you have been begging that person for years, and years to show some kind of emotions, to stop shutting you out? Do you continue to have the same pleading war until you are eighty? Do you just put your feelings and life on hold while he tries to figure everything out when you aren't even sure that's possible? When you have asked him over and over to get help, and he swears he will, but in the end it doesn't mean enough to him to do it? Isn't it safe to assume that person doesn't want it bad enough? Or at all?
A wise person once told me that the person who loves the least in the relationship holds all the cards. And that is so true. Because they have the most power to hurt the other person. It hurts when someone can't tell you that you have ever been number one to them when they were always yours. When they can't tell you why they have never been able to fully commit to you? Why they cannot give you their whole heart? I guess when that person seems to have given up the fight and doesn't care anymore, it is time to let go. As hard as that may be. That is a whole different kind of mourning. I mourn for the person I thought I knew, and the person I thought I had. I mourn for what I wanted us to be more than what we were. I mourn for the future we planned together that will never be. Because he can't even figure out his present. And refuses to deal with it or try.
In the end, I know I am a strong person, and I will do what I always do. Suck it up and put on my happy face. I am a great mother, and I got three beautiful, amazing kids out of the deal. I just have to learn that it isn't about me, that there is something in him that needs to be fixed, and that I need to respect myself enough to know that I deserve more than what he can give. I am lovable. I am not defective, and who knows? Maybe one day I will get that fairy tale happy ending.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
It's Better To Give Than Receive
As we go about our celebrations this season, lets remember that we are very lucky for the things we have, and remember that some people have nothing. Literally, nothing. With the rising prices, horrible economy, you would not believe the number of homeless or poverty stricken children in this country. I remember a few students I had when I was teaching that were happy when gifted with hand me down clothes. You would not believe the smiles on their faces when we would give them a brand new to them jacket or shoes. I wish I could have done more, and helped them all, but sadly it is not possible alone.
But if every person would just donate a little something, we could make this season special for many others. You can start by just putting your change in the salvation army's buckets or just buying one toy to donate to toys for tots! Even something that small will add up. If every person would just take this small action, it would add up. Grab an angel of the tree and teach your children to give back. Let them buy a present for a child their age. It starts with you. So remember that we have a lot to be thankful for, and make a child's Christmas by donating a little something. It does make a BIG difference. :-)
But if every person would just donate a little something, we could make this season special for many others. You can start by just putting your change in the salvation army's buckets or just buying one toy to donate to toys for tots! Even something that small will add up. If every person would just take this small action, it would add up. Grab an angel of the tree and teach your children to give back. Let them buy a present for a child their age. It starts with you. So remember that we have a lot to be thankful for, and make a child's Christmas by donating a little something. It does make a BIG difference. :-)
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