Turn Off the Hurt

     I don't know why I have such a big heart. I am so tired of getting emotionally invested in people only to have them freeze me out, with no excuse, explanation, or warning. Or hurting me in a way that is truly unforgivable. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those selfish all about me people who was the user instead of the used. I have never been able to be that way though. I feel like I am a good person. I try so hard to help people out. I never ask for anything in return except for respect, but apparently that is too much to ask for. From now on, I am freezing my heart and refuse to let anyone in. I'm refusing to care anymore. I'm gonna stick to myself, and my lovely babies, and just focus on us.
    The sad part about it is, the people who do this, always realize it and wake up too late. The damage is done. They more often than not realize what they had when they had me. But by then, I am tired of being hurt. If you have me as a friend, you have a true friend. Someone who will not talk about you behind your back, will give you anything I can when you are in need, will be there for you when no one else was. I care too damn much. That's my problem. I always tell myself not to. That people always leave. They come and go, and I need to realize that. But it's hard to tell your heart something when it seems so good at the time. I am so naive, and always have been. I am the one who gets taken advantage of every single time.
    I'm ready for some changes. I'm going to focus on me for a change. I have lost the person I was or am. I don't even know anymore. Who am I? I know I am a dang good mother. Seeing some of the sorry excuses for moms out there has made me realize this. But who else am I? What else was I put here for? What else do I have to contribute? I need to do some hard meditating and figure these things out. Pray for me or send good thoughts my way, friends.

Some Rants

     Just some things that get to me...
     Why is it sooo hard for some people to be honest? I am one of the most honest people I know. I am up front about any and everything. Maybe too much so, but I just don't believe in lies or lying. Especially when the truth usually has a way of coming out eventually anyway. How can you look someone you love in the eyes, and lie straight to their face? Wouldn't it be easier to tell the truth to begin with? While it may hurt in that moment, it hurts way worse when they find out about it later.
     Why are some women so easily controlled? Why do they let men use them? Just because they believe they may be in love? If he truly loved you, he wouldn't treat you the way he does. He would reciprocate and show you daily that you mean the world to him.
     How can a mother choose a man over her children? Put them and their needs on the back burner? If it isn't good for them, then he shouldn't be in your life to begin with. Why would you let someone like that around your children? If something tells you that it is wrong or off, don't ignore that feeling. Get rid of him, before the damage is done.
      It's national fertility awareness week. It makes me so sad to think of my friends who would make excellent mothers struggling because of this. I know way too many people who have children who shouldn't. It just hurts my heart thinking of how loved these kids would be by someone else. Inattentive mothers. Mothers who just go about "raising" children, but don't truly give them the time of day. Just sit them in front of the tv, or send them to their rooms to play. Who won't sit down with them, and love on them, or read to them, or listen to their silly stories. Those moments mean the world to me. Some people are just too into their drama or daily lives to realize what they are missing, and what they will never get back. I know some women who would never take those moments for granted. Who hope and pray daily that they will get the chance, when others think of their children as burdens. It just makes my heart hurt.
      I don't understand addicts. I don't understand how you could ever try something that you know might not be good for you. To let it affect and control your life and kill everyone around you who loves you. It just makes me sad seeing how many people it hurts. I also don't understand the people who enable others and let it continue. There is only so much you can do for that person. They have to want to change or it will never happen. I know this firsthand because I was around it my whole life. I was a child of addiction, and it hurts not only that person, but everyone who loves and cares for them.  Luckily, the person I loved hit rock bottom, and finally woke up. He has been free for about 7 years now. Thankfully. It didn't come easy, but he is the person I always knew he could be.
      Sorry this blog is so random, and sorry if it offends some. But if it does offend you, then maybe you should take a look at your life, and figure out what you need to change. Be the strong person that your kids need you to be.

The Other "D" Word

     So lately Jared and I have been discussing the other "d" word. Not divorce, that is already agreed upon and in the process. But dating. It is an odd topic to approach. Neither one of us has formally dated anyone else in nearly 12 years. It is weird to even think about, but we both agree we are ready to move on. Those closest in our lives know we have been more or less just friends the past two years. So now is the time.
     Supporting your former spouse in dating is a strange thing. We both want each other to be happy, but in a way are both scared for what it might mean. Neither one of us wants to lose the other completely. We are still each others best friend, and that will be hard for some people to accept. I am afraid of someone coming into his life who doesn't understand the dynamic we have. That we are balancing the kids and house together. I want him to find someone who meshes well with us. Someone that I can get along with as well. Someone with an awesome, unique sense of humor and laid back attitude. It's almost like I will be "shopping" for this person as well.
     Jared is a great guy. He is funny, smart, patient, and caring. I will never have a bad word to say about him to anyone. He is an amazing dad. So this person will need to be understanding of the fact that his kids come first. It seems easier to be a single woman these days. Heck, I didn't have to do anything other than change my relationship status on Facebook to start getting almost creepy messages from random men around the area and an explosion of male friend requests. Not that I would accept them. Kind of flattering and totally inappropriate at the same time.
     In time I guess this will get easier, and we will figure it out. But for now it is an interesting experiment I guess you could say.

Divorce Is Not a Four Letter Word

     I always assumed that divorce had to be an ugly thing. That is all you ever see and hear about. The bitter feelings, the custody fights, one person trying to take everything from the other. I did not ever want a divorce. The thought of divorcing made me feel like a failure. But honestly, sometimes you can come out a better person.

    Jared and I have decided to do this differently. We tried living apart for the better of a month. Neither of us was happy. He was miserable being away from his children, and I was miserable seeing him hurt so much. He has been in their lives always. He has been home pretty much every day of their lives. He is an excellent father who genuinely loves being with his children and never minds lifting a helping hand. I have had the opportunity to watch numerous men with their children over the years, and most think of them as a chore. Not Jared. He wants to be the one to give them a bath, get up with them at night, and to help change a diaper. He has the most patience I have ever seen in a man, and I don't want to take all of those memories away from him. Plus, honestly I miss his help when he isn't around. Why would I want to take his children away from him? He adores them, and they adore him. 

     When Jared moved back in, I was afraid things would be awkward, or people would assume we were back together. I am not saying it wasn't rough at first, setting up boundaries, and trying to explain the situation to those in our lives. But it has started to get much easier. I was holding on to a lot of anger, and it was starting to make me a cynical, bitter person. I decided to let it go. Forgive and forget. It was an amazing feeling releasing it. To say I forgive you, and to mean it. It was a weight lifted off both of us. We are back to where we started, which is best friends. Our relationship is more honest and open now. Neither one of us has to hold anything back. We can be real with each other, and that has been amazing. I love being able to be friends again. To just sit around, watch movies, and joke around. It is so much healthier than where we were headed. Which was a dark place. 

     I still think of Jared as my family, and I am fiercely loyal to him. I will never let someone sit and bad mouth him. That is not what I want. And what does that accomplish anyway? He is the father of my wonderful children. If we did anything right, it was creating those precious beings. He will always be a big part of my life. And anyone else who comes into it will have to realize that. He is the one I grew up with. He is the one I became an adult with. He helped make me the person I am today.

     I thought when we were going about this, that we were weird for even considering it. That people wouldn't understand. I started doing some research and came across some amazing articles. Apparently, this situation is becoming more prevalent. Both parents want to take a larger role, and neither one is willing to give up their time with their children. It's called "nesting". And it can be a beautiful thing. Jared and I are both laid back people. We are both non-confrontational. We will never fight in front of our children, and they will always know that mommy and daddy love them and want what is best for them. 

      This is the best situation for us. All of us. We are happy. We still care about each other, and want each other to be happy. No one needs to skirt around the subject, and yes we will still go to family events, friends' houses, and get-togethers as a family. Because that is what we are. We are still a family. Even though some people won't understand it because it is unique, it works for us. That is what matters. We are unique and odd people anyway. :-)

I wanted to have Jared collaborate on this with me, so these are his thoughts.

    Jared's take on our situation: Wow, my thoughts on our situation. It is hard to describe, because we are still living our lives very similar to how it was before the culmination of our "romantic" relationship.

     Let me first say that we have been together in one form or another for 3/7th of my life. Just about everything good I have to show is, without any pretense, a direct result of Amber's involvement in my life. Truthfully, I can not see a future without her in it. We are, like I am sure she has stated, the best of friends. She gets me, and I get her. Our relationship has went through many phases over the years, and it, much like us, looks

 very different than when it started years ago in high school.

      We do still care for and love each other. She is the woman who bore my spawn, babied me when I was sick or down, and cared for my grandfather during his last days. She is a great woman, and I will always be in her debt. Is our arrangement awkward? Yes. Will I get jealous of any man who enters her life? Yes. Will I want to destroy them? Yes. But does any of that mean we are somehow destined to be together forever? No. People change. I don't know what the future holds. Nobody does. All I do know is that I will always be here for my family, and that does include Ber.

(No I do not regret this tattoo. I will never get it removed or covered up.I still love and care for Jared, and he was an important and amazing
chapter in my life. He is and always be the father of my children.)