Happy, Angry, Sad... Hormonal Mess

     It's been a while since I have written. A lot has happened. Stacy and I got married. It was a beautiful ceremony. The weather was somehow amazing for February. We didn't invite too many people, because it was last minute and we wanted to keep it really small and intimate. It turned out very well.
      We are also expecting a baby. I don't know if it is because I am older, or because I am more educated, but I am more nervous this time around. I think I am more nervous than with my first. I have had two miscarriages, so I just get anxious any time I cramp a little or if there is any spotting. I have also seen some very close friends go through losses, so I know that not every pregnancy has a happy ending. Also, there are a bundle of feelings. I am excited because even though people don't know, we have been trying for a while, and I was starting to wonder if it might not happen for us. But lo and behold, the timing must have finally been right. I also feel a little guilty. Because I know how much this stings for those friends who are trying and having no luck, or the ones who just want a healthy pregnancy but have miscarried. I know that feeling all too well. And for my friends who have lost a child, and while they are truly happy for me, they still have to swallow down the hurt, grief, and mixed feelings that in turn make them feel guilty as well. Just know I am not taking this for granted. I know I have been blessed. I am going to try not to complain about anything with this pregnancy, but I am only human and I know it will end up happening, so I will apologize in advance.
      There is just so much running through my mind right now. My kids are so excited, and I am just sad that Stacy's kids are still not allowed to see us or be a part of this. He gets to set a court date next week. But this is all just not fair. They legally already have joint custody. And it's been over 7 months since we have been allowed to keep them or see them other than at the home study. Who is she to decide that he should miss all this and the memories with them? Especially since they tell her and other people that they miss him and want to be able to see him. She has admitted this. The home study lady has written this up and how they are hurting because of this. What kind of mother does that to her own children? Even if he and I happened to not work out, I would never keep this child I am carrying for him. For my own petty reasons. With absolutely no good reason. And feel justified about the decision, to be so blind as to what you are doing to those children. I guess I will never understand how you can treat someone who blessed you with children so poorly. To have that much hate for that person. Your children are half that person, and you must have loved them at one point to make those children with them. I know writing this I will get a lecture from everyone on how I should keep my mouth shut, but I have to vent or I am going to explode. How can someone claim to be a Christian, and still live the way they do, and hurt so many people? But I guess if I got paid to go to church and work what should be a volunteer position, I would put on that front too. Still living and doing things that most people don't know about, but if they did they would be sick.  But on that topic, God and I are good. We have a great relationship, and I talk to him daily, I pray with my kids and teach them about God. So I don't need a lecture on that either. I just don't understand it. The people who know us both, know the true her though, so I guess I shouldn't worry about it. But it gets hard when you are waiting for something like this to be resolved. This is our lives you are talking about. What hurts me the most, is I was allowed to love those kids and be a part of their lives, and then it was just ripped away. It's not fair! To them, to their dad, or to me. Yes, I am their step mom. Yes, they are my bonus kids, so yes I have a right to love them too. I am so ready for this to be over. Please pray it is resolved soon. Because so far, no one seems to care that they are growing up and precious time is slipping away.

It's Been Awhile

     Wow. Time flies. It has been a couple of months since I have blogged. I have had so much going on in my life. Here is a quick update.
     The kids are great. Such sweet, smart, giving, kiddos. They are wanting to help people in need right now and asking a lot of questions about people who need help. We are still struggling a little with Jackson's grades, but we have made some great improvements. He has brought his reading grade up from a 68 to an 82. He is so musically inclined. He watched someone play a song on the piano and went back and played it on his own correctly by ear, so we need to get him into some kind of music lessons, hopefully at the beginning of the year. Emma is still the same sweet Emma. She cares so much about other people and has such a tender heart. She tries to be strong when something hurts her feelings, exactly how I am, and I have to reassure her that it is okay to cry. She is still doing well in school, some of the math has taken her a little while to catch on to, but she is still making As and Bs and is still in GT enjoying it so much. Livia is my little spunky ball of energy. She is brilliant. Already recognizes her numbers, letters, shapes, and colors at two. She is good at everything she does, dancing, singing, sports. It's amazing. They are missing Stacy's kids a lot. And they don't understand why they can't see them. I try to explain the best I can in nice terms. But it's hard for me to understand how someone could be so evil and manipulative and keep their kids away from a father who loves them, and would do anything for them. He is amazing with my kids and loves them like they are his own, and I know that helps him, because they adore him. But I can still see the hurt in his eyes and the void that is missing by not being able to see his own kids. It breaks my heart to see him cry over them. What an evil, cruel, cold person you have to be to cause that kind of pain in another person.
     Stacy and I are doing great. I know he is my soul mate. He makes me feel so loved and yes even beautiful. We are planning our life together. I am very excited. I just wish things weren't so hard and that so many people and things weren't against us. It just feels unfair and like he isn't even being given a chance at times. But that's okay. We will prove them wrong. Sometimes I wish we could just pack up the kids and run away together. Leave this area. But of course that's not possible. We have to stay here and fight for his rights to see his kids. I love and miss them so much too. I don't think it's fair that she is somehow able to keep them from him, even though they have joint custody, and the stupid decree says it's as agreed upon on the visitation, That it is just because she hates me so much for some reason. Is it because I love him and don't treat him as a possession? Because I don't need things my way and actually compromise with him on issues and don't feel the need to throw a fit to get my way? Is it because to me he is worth more than money, and I actually make him feel like he has a home so he is fighting to stay with me? Because we have so much in common and actually have fun together? That I know a relationship isn't all about me, and I do a lot for him too? Because his kids love me too? I just don't understand. I would want my childrens' father to end up with someone who loves my kids and treats them with respect. I would think everyone would want that as well. Kids need two parents who love and care about them. By denying them their father, and making them feel like he doesn't love and care about them will only hurt them in the long run. Does she not see this? Does she not know the hurt and unwanted feelings that will cause? Has she not researched the effects of this? Because I have, and they aren't good. I don't see how someone can keep getting by with doing things so wrong all the time, and never have to be punished for it. How someone can claim to be a Christian, but have so much hate in their heart. That is definitely not going to get you to Heaven, no matter how much you go to church.We have a lawyer, so I guess only time will tell. I just wish we could rush the process along a bit. Waiting and not knowing how things will end up drive me crazy.
     Jared and I have been separated for over a year now. Things are great between us. We get along better than ever. He is such a great friend and an even better daddy. I am so lucky and blessed to have his help in raising our babies. Because I know no matter what life throws at us, we will always have each others backs. We grew up together. We have been each others family for so many years. And we are choosing to continue raising our kids together despite being divorced. Have even been praised by lawyers and therapists for working together for our kids. I just wish more people could understand this. Our children understand the situation. They will ALWAYS come first. They know we will always do what is best for them. No one else's opinions matter. Right now we are one big weird happy family. Don't judge us until you can be here and see how smoothly this works.
      Anyway, I have a lot going on, and a lot of rants and things that have been driving me crazy lately, and this blog was originally going to be a rant blog, but ended up this way. Because when everything else seems to be falling apart, these are the people who keep me together. Who keep me sane and smiling at the end of the day. So I feel blessed. And to the people who judge, I feel sorry for you. Because I have a lot of love in my life. Three wonderful kids, two bonus kids I can't wait to see again, my soulmate who would do anything for me, and a best friend who happens to be the father of my children. I am pretty dang lucky. And if you have nothing better to do than judge another's happiness, you must not have enough good in your life. And that makes me sad for you. I will save my rants for another day, as I am going to end this day snuggling with my sweet babies, and goofing off with two pretty awesome guys. :-)

 

 

 

Our beautiful kiddos.

They love him. :-)

He is so great with my kids.

I hate doing socks, so they do them for me. I am a lucky girl.

Love this guy.

Yep. He even sweeps.

We are awesome!

What a happy, weird, "dysfunctional"/ pretty functional to me, family!

The Best of Both Worlds

     I know most people don't agree with my life and living situation right now. I mean I am living in one of the most judgmental, closed-minded areas of this country. Even though the things I could tell you about some of those judgey wholier-than-thou people would make your toes curl. And not in the good way. I understand the curiosity. I know that when something is different from the norm it makes people uncomfortable. And I honestly welcome the questions to me rather than going behind my back. I just honestly feel really lucky. I feel like I have the best two guys that I could ask for to have my back.
      Jared is a wonderful, fantastic father. We are choosing to live together still because neither one of us can imagine being away from our kids. I don't feel like it is fair to make him an every other weekend dad. I mean I don't even want my kids gone for the weekend, so I can't imagine how much the thought of him only having them on the weekends hurts him. Our marriage status is no one else's business. Whether we are married, divorced, whether we have filed already or not. Honestly, it is just a piece of paper. And does anyone else know unless we tell them? No they don't. He is my best friend, and everyone knows how crazy he is. He keeps me laughing. We have such a warped sense of humor that most people would just shrug and blink at. On the days I am sad and down, he keeps me in good spirits. We are there for each other and still have a bond. He is and always will be my family, despite any situation.
      Stacy is a sweet, thoughtful, and caring guy. He just knows when I need something. He has memorized my routines and knows what I want without me having to ask. He still works the travel team and has been gone the last two months, and I miss him so much. I feel like part of me is with him. He is super serious though. Sometimes gets a little moody. But we balance each other out in that aspect by cheering each other up. He loves my kids unconditionally. Like they are his too. My kids are so lucky to have everyone caring for and crazy about them.
      They both have my back, and neither one of them would hesitate to help me when I need it. I am very lucky to have such great friends there for me. Encouraging me and motivating me. I know some people aren't so lucky. I need them both in different ways, and they both understand this. I am glad we all get along and are friends who help each other out. It may be weird to other people. But it makes sense to us and my kids. I'm still not sure what the future holds, but I am sure I will see soon enough. I know by now not to plan or rule anything out. Life is a crazy roller coaster ride.

Get Going!

     There are so many directions my life can go right now. But for some reason I am at a stand still. If I follow my heart, I am probably going to upset a lot of people. If I do what everyone else wants me to do, I am not sure I will ever be truly happy. I will fake it of course, because I am good at that. Apparently, since no one ever knew what went on in my life before the end of last year so it all came as a big surprise. No one ever bothered to ask if I was happy, so I convinced myself I was fine and it was life. It just really drives me crazy when everyone tries to push you into what they want or think is right for you. Maybe sometime ask me how I am feeling or what I want.
     Recently, I have been trying to get some things moving in my life. But I didn't get the job that I so really wanted. It would be nice to be independent. To be making my own money. To not feel like I am not contributing and like I am using everyone else's money. Plus the hours would have been during school hours so I could be home with the kids afterwards. But I guess it wasn't in the cards. So for now I will stay home with Livi until she can start preschool next year. Not that I am complaining about it, because I know so many women would love to trade places with me. I will enjoy every minute of it, because she has almost made that transition from baby to kid. I hate how you can see the baby years winding down. They fly by so fast. One day you wake up, and it is like they grew up overnight.
    I have decided I have to do something to get myself out of this rut, so I have decided to finally take some more of my prerequisites for RN school. I only have two left! Yay! Then next year I can apply for RN school. I can't sit around and wait for this to happen, because something will always come up. Lack of money, lack of time. No motivation. Something. So I decided to start selling Scentsy to help earn money for college. If you can buy from me and help me out, it would be greatly appreciated. My website is http://amberrenay.scentsy.us/
    I am going to make my dreams happen. I don't care what it takes. I miss being a nurse. I miss helping other people. I miss my independence. Whatever else happens in my life, my career is the one thing I can do for myself. And maybe one of these days I can do what I want to do to make ME happy for a change.

Far From Perfect

     So June was an awful month. It started out with a horrible bang. I got some awful news that I have to pretend I didn't hear. I'm not good with something I have to hold up in myself. It starts to eat at me. Needless to say, it started me on a downward spiral back into some self destructive habits that only a few people know I have. They don't hurt anyone but me, nor do they affect my abilities as a good mother, they just take their toll on me.
     I have a few good best friends who stick by my side for all the bad and good. When I get like this I try my hardest to push people away. But I have three people who stick by me no matter what. Jared, Stacy, and Erika. They are the only three people who know everything about me, and don't let it change their opinions about me. I don't have many girl friends. I have never been able to keep them. I may be too odd, sarcastic, and dark humored for most people. Most of my friends are guys, and I know that makes people talk and wonder about me. I don't know why you think you deserve to know what is going on in my life if we haven't talked since high school, nor have you ever bothered to ask me. So what if the two closest people to me are men? What does that matter to you? Does it hurt you in any way? All you need to know is they are both there for me in my darkest times, and we are all friends and get along.
     I have decided that I am not in a healthy place for a committed relationship at this point in my life. That I really need to work on myself and figure out who I am as a person alone first. I know I am an excellent mother and caretaker, but who or what else am I? What is my worth and purpose for being here? I have a habit of writing really morbid depressing poetry when I am like this. My latest piece is about my struggle with myself lately. Don't take it literally, because I would never take myself from my babies purposely. It is just my lack of self worth at the moment, and not wanting to be myself.

I'm drowning.
Stuck between a tug of war.
I'm sinking.
Shaken to my bitter core.
I'm broken.
Not so easy to walk out the door.
I'm torn.
Wondering what my life is for.
It's winning.
The desire to be no more.

     So there. That is one of my dark secrets. Crappy, depressing poetry writing. I have some happy good ones too. But they don't come to me as easily as the sad stuff.
      I have been getting a lot of judgment from people lately. Sadly enough most of it comes from people who are far from perfect. Just let it go. It's my life. Yes, I know I am not perfect. But guess what? Neither are you. I know the issues, problems, and secrets you have. So leave mine alone.
      I am going to be selfish for once in my life and focus on me. And of course my children. No longer am I going to care what others think, or try so hard to make everyone around me happy at the expense of losing myself. I have serious trust issues with people, and don't let many in. I hate that I have been proven right so many times in my lack of trust, but it has happened too many times to count, and has made me into the person I am today. Luckily, I do have those few friends willing to stay by my side even as only friends despite what others may think. So at the moment, no, I am not in a committed relationship with anyone other than my kids. And no I am not going to sleep around for those of you who think you can start back with trying to send me dirty messages. No thanks. I never did appreciate that, but I am a nice person so I try to be nice in my responses back. But seriously, despite the rumors you may hear or what you think you may know about me, I am not that kind of person, and I am not easy.
     I guess the point in this blog was to get some things off my chest, to tell people to come to me if you have questions, to clear up the rumors about me, and to explain to people why I have been reclusive this past month. Doesn't matter, because my true friends are always here for me. Even if they live miles away. I love you guys. Thanks for putting up with me and my crazy mess.

Accountability

      I am so sick of people who don't take accountability for their actions. Those people who always have an excuse for why things happen. No! It was your choice. You did it, so own up to it!
      The worst are the ones who blame God or the devil for every bad thing. Satan made me do it. No, God gave you the free will to make your own choices, good or bad. Satan didn't make Eve take a bite of the fruit. He just offered up the temptation, and she was too weak-willed to resist. Nor did God stop her from making that decision. He gave her the gift of decision making, and she chose wrong and had to pay the price.
     I also can't stand the ones who enable people and let them continue to ruin everyone's life in the process. Why? Why justify and overlook the bad decisions? And how can you ask everyone else to ignore them as well? I am sorry, but I can't simply do that. That person made their own bad decision, and I think they should pay for it. Be held accountable. Lose everything they say they love. If you love something or someone so much, you wouldn't continue to hurt them in that way. Just my thoughts on the matter.
      I don't make excuses for anything in my life, and I am honest with everyone. You ask me something, and I am straight up about it. Why oh why is that so hard for so many others? I ask that question often. Most of the time I hear back, oh we wanted to avoid confrontation. Why? It's going to come out in the end anyway right? There is always someone else who knows about it, and won't keep it quiet. Just get it out and deal with it now. Before it drags everyone else down too.

Drama

     I have said it a million times, and I will say it again, I am very lucky that Jared is the father of my children, and that we are both laid back and calm people who don't need drama to thrive. That we are able to work things out like rational adults and know what is in the best interest of the kids. Unlike other people I know.
     I'm not naming names, but I know one overly dramatic person who needs to be put in her place. You know one thing that drives me crazy is when women claim to be single moms when they are still solely supported by their ex. I think that is an insult to all the true single mothers I know who work their butts off, get no child support, and have an ex who doesn't want anything to do with the kids. I am sorry, but if you don't have to work because the child support you get is over 50% of the guys check, and he still wants to spend time with the kids, or takes them on days you need a break, or just because you want to run around, then you don't get to say you are a single mom because that is not doing it on your own to me. I would never ever claim I was a single mom because Jared is amazing and would take the kids whenever I needed him to and would also continue to support them.
     Which brings me to rant number two, child support is just that. CHILD support. It is to be used for the children's benefit. Which means, you shouldn't be spending it on your cigarette habit or your own clothes. You shouldn't have to then call the father up and say, this child needs this or this, because when you are getting over $1400 a month, they should have that. Especially when you just received half of a persons retirement which was over 12 grand and somehow managed to blow that in a month with nothing to show for it.
      I detest manipulative people. Those poor, pitiful me people who like to try and convince others they are the ones being wronged all the time. Sorry, while you may have others convinced, I see you for who you really are. If every guy you have ever been with calls you crazy, maybe it's not them, maybe it really is you. When you cry that you are doing it all on your own and that your ex doesn't help out, and has never been there. Not true when he is off working to provide for you and your kids because you are too lazy to keep a job. Because you somehow have a special way of blowing massive amounts of money. When you claim that he has done you wrong and cheated on you a thousand times (which is not true by the way, he made one mistake and owns up to it) but you fail to mention how many times you cheated on him far before he ever did it to you. And after. Over and over. That you have been with more guys than you can count, and you even managed to get Herpes that he somehow doesn't have. So who was the nasty, unfaithful one? But no you manage to leave that part out because then maybe so many people wouldn't have sympathy for you. You leave out all the people you had in and out of the home he was paying for and all the people you let sponge off of him.
      I also hate women who like to play off what good moms they are to the public and on social media, but no one can see how they really are when no one is around. Or the things I think are awful and disgusting and you don't even try and hide. Like how nasty your house is. How when you walk in it smells like animal waste because of all the creatures who live in the house. How if you are a "stay-at-home" mom that maybe your house would be cluttered and lived it, but it wouldn't be filth because you should have the time to clean it. Especially when other people occasionally keep your kids for you. Must be nice. That you move strange men in at times who have records and are drug users and also allow this man to be alone with your children at times. That you spend the money that should be going to them on him because you think this man loves you when everyone else can see he was only using you for your money all the while going around telling people he would never be in a relationship with you because you are too crazy for him. And oh imagine that, the money ran out, and he left. Who could have seen that coming? That you let your youngest child who should be in bed by 8 pm like every other child their age stay up way past midnight, because you want to sleep in until noon the next day. I am not a morning person, and would love to sleep in, but that is lazy parenting. That you give that child her way all the time, because you don't want to parent or deal with her fits if you don"t give in. You are setting her up for failure later in life. It saddens me. When your oldest child tells me she would rather stay in her room all day and watch tv than be around you and has already begged me to let her live here, and that she would even sleep on the couch if I would let her. It hurts my heart.
     Then there is the issue of custody. When there are court orders in place saying you have joint custody, but you won"t give the father his overnight visitation that he deserves. He loves those children, and sadly there is nothing preventing a woman from doing this, but better believe he didn't pay his child support and he would be in jail. That you will run around telling people how sorry he is and what an awful dad he is, when that couldn't be further from the truth. Yes he was gone from their lives a lot, but he was working hard and providing for them, while you blew it all away on people who didn't really care and were using you because you are weak and gullible. Where are these people now? Long gone.That the reason he took that job in the first place is because you got him fired from a job that would have kept him home, and then demanded he find something else or you were leaving. Not once did you get off your butt to try and find something so he could stay. That he always gives in and gives you your way, or you will withhold the children from him after you throw your toddler like tantrum. Well not anymore. Things are about to change, because I will not sit back and watch someone I love being mistreated because he is too good and nice a person to let that happen to. That sadly everyone we know warned me about how awful he was because of the things you made up. Not true, he is amazing and treats me like a princess. And is willing to stay here with me because I don't demand a lifestyle he can't afford. That I am happy just to have him and don't care about material possessions. That I see him for the wonderful man and father he is and and am having to build him back up and tell him he is worthy because you are the one who broke him. That he is learning that he can trust someone because women like you give us good loyal women a bad rep. It saddens me that he was a depressed broken shell of a man who didn't deserve the way you always treated him.
     Women like this make me sick. But I am a firm believer in karma, and I do believe you will always be unhappy and miserable the rest of your life because to you everyone is always out to get you, and it is never your fault. It is coming for you.

Isn't It Ironic?

    What can I say? Life is weird, ironic, and has a way of sneaking things up on you that you never thought in a million years could happen. My life has taken a crazy twist, but I am extremely happy. Happier than I have been in a very long time.
     I am now in a relationship with an awesome, sweet, funny, caring guy. Someone who treats me like a princess. He compliments me, and he makes me feel good about myself. For years I had forgotten that I was worth that. I felt ugly and unattractive, like I would never be good enough for anyone, and like I had nothing of worth to give someone. What's ironic about this you ask? The guy I am seeing was my first love. My first everything.
     We dated each other in middle school and the beginning of high school. We have an awesome story. I adored him, he had a girlfriend, so I patiently waited on the sidelines until he realized he wanted me as well. We had a magnetic attraction and it was overwhelming at times. But we really did love each other. Despite people telling us we were too young to feel that way, we truly did, and it was real love. I broke up with him, because at the time I had things going on in my life that made me feel like I didn't deserve that love. I also chose someone different because we were around each other more and had more in common. As a teenager that is important, but you don't realize as you grow up you also grow apart and those things that mattered at the time, no longer do.
    We grew up, somehow managed to move on with our lives. The most important person to us at one time was now a complete stranger. We both got married and had adorable babies. We we too young though, and neither one of our marriages worked out. We didn't talk for about ten years. But for some reason, we never left each others thoughts. I would think I forgot about him, when all the sudden there he would be, in my dreams. We felt each other over the years kind of calling for each other when we were lonely or hurt. But we both respected each others marriages enough not to talk.
     After I knew his marriage was over, and mine had come to an end as well, I decided to message him, just to check on him and see how he was. I never expected him to respond back (I hurt him pretty badly when I broke his heart), and when he did respond back I never expected it to be like we never stopped talking. He was working overseas at the time, but wouldn't you know that he was due to come home shortly. Once again, weird.
     We decided to see each other when he got back. Talk about nerves, and butterflies, and anxiety. I was afraid he would run away since I had changed quite a bit over the years (thank you babies), and I wasn't sure he would even be the same person since he had been through so much. But that first meeting was amazing. He still looked at me like I was that same cute girl I had been before. And much to my surprise, he had changed, but grown up in a good way. We started out as friends, but over time that magnetic feeling was too much. And now here we are. He has given me so much of myself back. I feel attractive again. I feel like I am worthy of being loved. I feel what has been missing in my life for so long, which is being with someone who actually wants to be with me. We get each other, and we balance each other out so well. The part that truly won me over, was how amazing he is with my kids. He adores them. Treats them like actual people, plays with them, talks to them, and they adore him as well. That is what melted my heart.
     I know this will be weird for a lot of people. It was crazy and weird for us in the beginning as well. Also, a lot of people don't agree with us seeing each other again. I have heard it from a lot of people. Or they are misinformed. Neither one of us wrecked the others marriage. Those were already over, and needed no help in ending. They did that all one their own. But these people don't know how well we work together. They don't know that we have both been mistreated in the past, and truly need each other. That we came back into each others lives at a time when we were the lowest, and probably saved us. They don't know that we are soul mates. Each others missing puzzle piece. That we have a connection still after all these years we cant quite explain. So to those people, I say oh well. Get used to it. Or don't. I don't care. Those who truly love us will accept it, and they will be happy that we are happy. Those who don't, well I guess they didn't need to be in our lives anyway. I am happy, he is happy, and our kids are happy. That is all that matters to me. :-)

Us. 8th grade graduation. ;-)

First love

Playing with Jack Jack.

Looking crazy but happy! :D

International Bereaved Mother's Day

 

     Yesterday was International Bereaved Mother's Day. This is the first year I have heard of it actually. But it is a day that weighed heavy on my heart. All day yesterday I was a little down. I have so many good friends who have lost an infant, so they were in my thoughts and prayers. I was also down because this day corresponds so closely with some not so good anniversaries of my own.
     Not many people know this about me, but I have had two miscarriages myself. They both occurred very close to Mother's Day. So I get a little down this time every year. I start thinking about both of those babies that could have been. I love my children with all my heart, and am very blessed to have the three healthy, beautiful babies that I do have. I know many of my friends struggle with infertility and miscarriages, so believe me when I say I don't take my children for granted.
     Both of the miscarriages occurred after 6 weeks of pregnancy, so both of those babies had heartbeats. One was 7 weeks and the other was 9 weeks. To me those babies were alive. I don't care what you believe, whether you disagree and say that a baby is not a living being until they are born alive. Those babies had a heartbeat and were living inside of me. I was excited about them, and they were real to me. They both already looked like babies, and just couldn't finish growing for whatever reason. I named them after the fact, because I needed something to call them when I think of them. Charlie and Jude. I never got the chance to feel them moving inside of me, to hold them, or tell them how much I loved them already. My heart aches when I think about who they might have been. I know that one day I will see them whole and alive when I get to the other side. They are waiting for me. They are my angels. And every now and then, I feel them with me. They were both a part of me, and always will be.
      So this year on Mother's Day, I will think of all my friends. The ones who are lucky enough to have never had a miscarriage or baby loss. The ones who were not so lucky and mourn their babies in heaven with the hope they will see them again someday. The friends who have lost a child no matter the age. The friends who desire with all their hearts to  become mommies and are struggling with infertility. We are all still mothers in our hearts.

7 week embryo- see it already looks like a little person. "Jude"

9 week fetus- you can't tell me that isn't a baby. "Charlie"

A few of my awesome friends got together and collaborated on this for me

I love this one!

Turn Off the Hurt

     I don't know why I have such a big heart. I am so tired of getting emotionally invested in people only to have them freeze me out, with no excuse, explanation, or warning. Or hurting me in a way that is truly unforgivable. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those selfish all about me people who was the user instead of the used. I have never been able to be that way though. I feel like I am a good person. I try so hard to help people out. I never ask for anything in return except for respect, but apparently that is too much to ask for. From now on, I am freezing my heart and refuse to let anyone in. I'm refusing to care anymore. I'm gonna stick to myself, and my lovely babies, and just focus on us.
    The sad part about it is, the people who do this, always realize it and wake up too late. The damage is done. They more often than not realize what they had when they had me. But by then, I am tired of being hurt. If you have me as a friend, you have a true friend. Someone who will not talk about you behind your back, will give you anything I can when you are in need, will be there for you when no one else was. I care too damn much. That's my problem. I always tell myself not to. That people always leave. They come and go, and I need to realize that. But it's hard to tell your heart something when it seems so good at the time. I am so naive, and always have been. I am the one who gets taken advantage of every single time.
    I'm ready for some changes. I'm going to focus on me for a change. I have lost the person I was or am. I don't even know anymore. Who am I? I know I am a dang good mother. Seeing some of the sorry excuses for moms out there has made me realize this. But who else am I? What else was I put here for? What else do I have to contribute? I need to do some hard meditating and figure these things out. Pray for me or send good thoughts my way, friends.

Some Rants

     Just some things that get to me...
     Why is it sooo hard for some people to be honest? I am one of the most honest people I know. I am up front about any and everything. Maybe too much so, but I just don't believe in lies or lying. Especially when the truth usually has a way of coming out eventually anyway. How can you look someone you love in the eyes, and lie straight to their face? Wouldn't it be easier to tell the truth to begin with? While it may hurt in that moment, it hurts way worse when they find out about it later.
     Why are some women so easily controlled? Why do they let men use them? Just because they believe they may be in love? If he truly loved you, he wouldn't treat you the way he does. He would reciprocate and show you daily that you mean the world to him.
     How can a mother choose a man over her children? Put them and their needs on the back burner? If it isn't good for them, then he shouldn't be in your life to begin with. Why would you let someone like that around your children? If something tells you that it is wrong or off, don't ignore that feeling. Get rid of him, before the damage is done.
      It's national fertility awareness week. It makes me so sad to think of my friends who would make excellent mothers struggling because of this. I know way too many people who have children who shouldn't. It just hurts my heart thinking of how loved these kids would be by someone else. Inattentive mothers. Mothers who just go about "raising" children, but don't truly give them the time of day. Just sit them in front of the tv, or send them to their rooms to play. Who won't sit down with them, and love on them, or read to them, or listen to their silly stories. Those moments mean the world to me. Some people are just too into their drama or daily lives to realize what they are missing, and what they will never get back. I know some women who would never take those moments for granted. Who hope and pray daily that they will get the chance, when others think of their children as burdens. It just makes my heart hurt.
      I don't understand addicts. I don't understand how you could ever try something that you know might not be good for you. To let it affect and control your life and kill everyone around you who loves you. It just makes me sad seeing how many people it hurts. I also don't understand the people who enable others and let it continue. There is only so much you can do for that person. They have to want to change or it will never happen. I know this firsthand because I was around it my whole life. I was a child of addiction, and it hurts not only that person, but everyone who loves and cares for them.  Luckily, the person I loved hit rock bottom, and finally woke up. He has been free for about 7 years now. Thankfully. It didn't come easy, but he is the person I always knew he could be.
      Sorry this blog is so random, and sorry if it offends some. But if it does offend you, then maybe you should take a look at your life, and figure out what you need to change. Be the strong person that your kids need you to be.

The Other "D" Word

     So lately Jared and I have been discussing the other "d" word. Not divorce, that is already agreed upon and in the process. But dating. It is an odd topic to approach. Neither one of us has formally dated anyone else in nearly 12 years. It is weird to even think about, but we both agree we are ready to move on. Those closest in our lives know we have been more or less just friends the past two years. So now is the time.
     Supporting your former spouse in dating is a strange thing. We both want each other to be happy, but in a way are both scared for what it might mean. Neither one of us wants to lose the other completely. We are still each others best friend, and that will be hard for some people to accept. I am afraid of someone coming into his life who doesn't understand the dynamic we have. That we are balancing the kids and house together. I want him to find someone who meshes well with us. Someone that I can get along with as well. Someone with an awesome, unique sense of humor and laid back attitude. It's almost like I will be "shopping" for this person as well.
     Jared is a great guy. He is funny, smart, patient, and caring. I will never have a bad word to say about him to anyone. He is an amazing dad. So this person will need to be understanding of the fact that his kids come first. It seems easier to be a single woman these days. Heck, I didn't have to do anything other than change my relationship status on Facebook to start getting almost creepy messages from random men around the area and an explosion of male friend requests. Not that I would accept them. Kind of flattering and totally inappropriate at the same time.
     In time I guess this will get easier, and we will figure it out. But for now it is an interesting experiment I guess you could say.

Divorce Is Not a Four Letter Word

     I always assumed that divorce had to be an ugly thing. That is all you ever see and hear about. The bitter feelings, the custody fights, one person trying to take everything from the other. I did not ever want a divorce. The thought of divorcing made me feel like a failure. But honestly, sometimes you can come out a better person.

    Jared and I have decided to do this differently. We tried living apart for the better of a month. Neither of us was happy. He was miserable being away from his children, and I was miserable seeing him hurt so much. He has been in their lives always. He has been home pretty much every day of their lives. He is an excellent father who genuinely loves being with his children and never minds lifting a helping hand. I have had the opportunity to watch numerous men with their children over the years, and most think of them as a chore. Not Jared. He wants to be the one to give them a bath, get up with them at night, and to help change a diaper. He has the most patience I have ever seen in a man, and I don't want to take all of those memories away from him. Plus, honestly I miss his help when he isn't around. Why would I want to take his children away from him? He adores them, and they adore him. 

     When Jared moved back in, I was afraid things would be awkward, or people would assume we were back together. I am not saying it wasn't rough at first, setting up boundaries, and trying to explain the situation to those in our lives. But it has started to get much easier. I was holding on to a lot of anger, and it was starting to make me a cynical, bitter person. I decided to let it go. Forgive and forget. It was an amazing feeling releasing it. To say I forgive you, and to mean it. It was a weight lifted off both of us. We are back to where we started, which is best friends. Our relationship is more honest and open now. Neither one of us has to hold anything back. We can be real with each other, and that has been amazing. I love being able to be friends again. To just sit around, watch movies, and joke around. It is so much healthier than where we were headed. Which was a dark place. 

     I still think of Jared as my family, and I am fiercely loyal to him. I will never let someone sit and bad mouth him. That is not what I want. And what does that accomplish anyway? He is the father of my wonderful children. If we did anything right, it was creating those precious beings. He will always be a big part of my life. And anyone else who comes into it will have to realize that. He is the one I grew up with. He is the one I became an adult with. He helped make me the person I am today.

     I thought when we were going about this, that we were weird for even considering it. That people wouldn't understand. I started doing some research and came across some amazing articles. Apparently, this situation is becoming more prevalent. Both parents want to take a larger role, and neither one is willing to give up their time with their children. It's called "nesting". And it can be a beautiful thing. Jared and I are both laid back people. We are both non-confrontational. We will never fight in front of our children, and they will always know that mommy and daddy love them and want what is best for them. 

      This is the best situation for us. All of us. We are happy. We still care about each other, and want each other to be happy. No one needs to skirt around the subject, and yes we will still go to family events, friends' houses, and get-togethers as a family. Because that is what we are. We are still a family. Even though some people won't understand it because it is unique, it works for us. That is what matters. We are unique and odd people anyway. :-)

I wanted to have Jared collaborate on this with me, so these are his thoughts.

    Jared's take on our situation: Wow, my thoughts on our situation. It is hard to describe, because we are still living our lives very similar to how it was before the culmination of our "romantic" relationship.

     Let me first say that we have been together in one form or another for 3/7th of my life. Just about everything good I have to show is, without any pretense, a direct result of Amber's involvement in my life. Truthfully, I can not see a future without her in it. We are, like I am sure she has stated, the best of friends. She gets me, and I get her. Our relationship has went through many phases over the years, and it, much like us, looks

 very different than when it started years ago in high school.

      We do still care for and love each other. She is the woman who bore my spawn, babied me when I was sick or down, and cared for my grandfather during his last days. She is a great woman, and I will always be in her debt. Is our arrangement awkward? Yes. Will I get jealous of any man who enters her life? Yes. Will I want to destroy them? Yes. But does any of that mean we are somehow destined to be together forever? No. People change. I don't know what the future holds. Nobody does. All I do know is that I will always be here for my family, and that does include Ber.

(No I do not regret this tattoo. I will never get it removed or covered up.I still love and care for Jared, and he was an important and amazing
chapter in my life. He is and always be the father of my children.)

                              

An Update

     So I have decided to do an update on my life at the moment. I know some people genuinely care, and others just want to be nosy and that is fine too I guess.
     I am kind of at a stand still at the moment. Most of you know that Jared has been pursuing the Air Force, he was selected to be a Rated officer and to go to Officer Training School. There has been a slight set back in that, and he will have to wait to go the Non-Rated route, which is okay because that was his preference in the beginning, and now he will be able to pursue a career more closely related to his own, so that was a blessing in disguise. If all goes well, this time next year he will be in. So for now, I sit and wait because I am unsure what that will mean, since while he is gone I want to be available to my children 24/7 so I am putting my career on hold for now. I have applied for a couple of jobs, but if I hear nothing back, I will just assume it is not meant to be for now, and I am in the best possible place I can be.
     As for Jared and me, we are still separated, but choosing to remain at home together with the kids. Most people don't understand this, they think it is weird, or confusing. But for us it is not. He is an awesome daddy, so why wouldn't I want him there for the kids? We don't fight, and we are both laid back people. I have forgiven him for the past, and moved on. I am less angry now. He is still my best friend, and we have fun together. Who wouldn't want to live with their best friend? Yes, I have guy friends, but we all hang out together, so whatever you assume in your mind, isn't always the case. To me, men have always been easier to get along with. But whatever preconceived notions you have, get them out of your head. I have heard some rumors about me, but I have never been the type to sleep around. I can count the guys I have been with in my life on two fingers. There was a third, but I don't count him because it wasn't by choice. So there you go. Maybe a bit TMI, but I guess it needed to be said to clear up some of the things I have heard about me. I can't say that for most people nowadays. But I am not that type of girl. So just because I have male friends, and not everyone agrees with that since I am "married", please take a look at yourself before you judge me.
      An update on my kids: Emma Belle is doing excellent in school, and she is such a funny little kid. She never ceases to amaze me with her wisdom and ability to rationalize things. Honestly, she is more wise than most adults I know. Jackson is my sweet, sensitive baby boy. He just turned six, and I can't believe it. He is struggling some in school with his reading and spelling. He is a math wiz, but now I have to make the hard decision on whether to hold him back a year, because he is lagging behind in the other areas. I just don't want to make the wrong one. This is one of those decisions that parents dread making.  I have worked so hard with him, and he just can't seem to catch on, so I am also wondering if he has something else going on. He memorizes the books so he seems to be reading, but if I hand him a new book, no matter how many times we have gone over a word, he struggles. My sweet boy. Livia is such a smart cutie. She is using words like disgusting, and talking in complete sentences now. She is good at everything she does. She can dance, sing, and throw and catch a ball already. I'm excited to see what she will do with her life. She makes everyone fall in love with her. She is a stubborn mess though. Right now we are working on potty training. She does it when she wants to. Not when I want her to. If we are in a public place, she will use the potty, but not at home. And I refuse to run her to a convenience store every time she needs to potty. Haha. So I guess she will do it in her own time.
      So that's what has been going on in my life as of late. It has been interesting to say the least. And I am pretty sure I could pull off my own reality show. But if you have a question, please come to me instead of fueling the rumor mill (which I know is hard in this small town area), but I am an open book, and a very honest person. And I think I am a good person. I try to be nice to everyone, and I have friends from all walks of life. Not everyone agrees, but that is okay. I am happy, and my children are happy, and that is really all that matters to me.

The Afterlife

     Lately I have been thinking a lot about the afterlife. Where we go from here. I know without a doubt this is not the only life we live. This life leads to something much bigger. I do believe that who you are and what kind of person while you are here determines where you go from here.
     I have almost died a few times in my life. Not many people know this, but I almost died after the birth of my first child. I hemorrhaged shortly after she was born. I am talking waterfalls of blood. I felt myself slipping away in those moments. At first there was a panic. And then all the sudden it was just calm. Nothing mattered. Then, I was above myself looking down. I didn't recognize the person lying there as myself. I mean, I knew it was me, but it wasn't me anymore. Believe it if you want, but you don't have to. Jared witnessed this firsthand, and saw the life leave my body. Luckily, I was brought back. In those moments though, my life didn't pass before my eyes, and I didn't see a bright light. I just hovered there for a moment, and then I was back.
     As a nurse, I have had the privilege of witnessing some of the most intimate, private, helpless moments in a person's life. I have been there for numerous deaths. I have held their hands as people have left this world. That is an amazing moment. Right before they die, a person gets this lucid burst of energy, but only for a moment, and then they are gone. Their body an empty soulless shell. The person they once were is gone. I have had them tell me they see someone waiting for them. Witnessing this has had a big impact on my life.
     There is something more than this life. I do believe in a higher power. In those moments, you just feel there is something more and it gives you hope. Something to believe in. That we are not merely here for the short time we are. There is something bigger and better waiting in the end. This gives me the faith that when we lose someone we love, it is not the end. But just the start of a waiting period before we will see them again. This comforts me on the days like today, when the pain of missing someone I love is almost unbearable. It is only for now. Just a moment in time. Before forever.

Help!

     I have always felt the need to help others. I am a very empathetic person, and can feel others' moods and pain. More so than most people. I can look around a room, and just feel people's emotions. Even as a small child I was that way. As far back as I can remember, I always wanted a career in the field of helping others. Nurse, teacher, or counselor. I never thought about a career that was selfish or just made money.
     I feel like people are put in my life for a reason. I know that may sound self-assured or big headed, but it is the truth. People have always come to me with their problems, and I have honestly never minded helping or listening. I have a big heart, and sometimes it gets trampled on, but I still can't help myself. I feel the need to be needed I guess.
      I have had friends come in and out of my life, and I never know why they leave so suddenly sometimes, but then I look back and realize they just needed me for a short time, and that hopefully I made a positive impact on their lives. That maybe they just needed for a time, and then it was done.
I have met some interesting people, and have some interesting chapters in my life because of this, so I won't complain. If I ever write a book it would be an interesting one.
     I have a certain friend that was brought back into my life unexpectedly, and at the moment I can't figure out the purpose other than we both need each other right now. I don't know if it is momentary or if it will be lasting, but I know in my soul that it is right. We are kindred spirits, and haven't been in each other's lives in awhile, or even spoke in years, but we have always felt a pull toward each other and could feel each other's pains.
     I am one of those people who like to have everything planned out in advance, so my life being at a standstill at the moment is driving me crazy. Not knowing which direction to take. I know there is a reason, and one day I will know why. So for now, I guess I hang on and take it one day at a time.

Can't Please Everyone

     You know what really bothers me? Judgmental, hypocritical people. Small-minded and ignorant people. Why is it so hard to let someone live their own life without always having to butt in? Don't like something someone does? Then don't do it!!!
     I have lived my life always worrying about what other people thought of me. I always did what everyone else wanted of me. I got good grades, I was a pretty good kid, I was the good girl. I am a perfectionist, and it drives me crazy sometimes, because you can't please everyone. I am one of those people who wants everyone to like me. It drives me crazy when someone doesn't. But you can never make everyone happy.
      If you choose one thing over another, someone is going to be upset with you. Some examples of me personally, I am different than other people. I am not part of the herd in my ways of thinking, but since I don't want to upset anyone or cause controversy, I rarely ever speak up. I have a hard time telling people no. In a way, I let people run all over me, and take and put up with way more than I should.
      I like tattoos and piercings, I want them, but I have some people in my life who judge people based on how they look. Like if I have a lip or nose piercing and a few tattoos that can be covered by clothes then that automatically makes me a bad person? Really?! I am going to automatically get stupid and become a bad mother because I changed the way I look? Maybe I have a good reason for wanting the tattoos. Maybe I have scars on my body that are painful to look at, and when I look down I want to see something that makes me smile. Only a few people know certain things about me, and they get this. They love and accept me no matter what. The rest of the world I keep my true self hidden from.
     And it really bothers me when someone tells me they are going to pray for me because of certain actions. I don't mind prayer for my well being, peace of mind, etc, but praying because you think I am a sinner, or praying for me to change, I am not okay with that. Are you, the person praying, perfect yourself? Have you never made a mistake? Do you not swear or lie or cheat? Because I know you do. Have you never done something that someone else didn't like? Why can't you accept and love me for who I am? Certain things I do or change about me don't make me a bad person, and those things won't send me to hell despite you insisting so.
      I finished getting my education degree, despite realizing three years in that I wanted to be a nurse. I was urged to finish it. So I delayed my nursing career for another year. If I had quit right then and switched to nursing, I would probably already have my BSN. I am a bad person for not working at the moment according to some people, or I am a bad mother if I do according to others. You can never make everyone happy.
      If I don't make a certain decision right now, then everyone will hold it against me. But if I do then someone else will hold it against me. No matter what, someone gets hurt. Myself included. Why is it so hard for me to ignore what others want and do what I want? To do what I feel in my heart and soul?
      The only thing I know for sure, is no matter what I do in life, my kids will be happy and well taken care of, and love me regardless. Because my decisions do not affect my parenting in any way. They love me for me, and are not judgmental. Why can't everyone have the loving mind of a child? <3

Why I Was Put On This Earth

     Everyone has a purpose in life. Some people are never lucky enough to realize theirs. I know for a fact now what my purpose is in life. It was to bring my beautiful angels into this world and to raise them to be the wonderful people I know they are going to be.
     I was blessed with Emma Belle very early in life. I didn't understand the reason then. But I know now that she was my saving grace. I hung out with a not so good crowd, and they were all headed down a very bad road. Drugs, partying, debauchery. I am a people pleaser and have always had a hard time saying no. If not for that beautiful life growing inside of me, I would have went straight there with them. But instead, my senior year, I was growing a beautiful little life changer. She got me on a path straight to college with a full ride. I concentrated on my grades in college instead of partying, because I knew she depended on me to succeed. And I never failed her. I grew up the moment I found out I was pregnant. Every thought I had now centered around whether it was best for her. Would it benefit her? I matured, and actually became a wonderful mother. I know that awesome little girl will grow up to do something amazing in life, and she will be a people saver. I just somehow know this because she has already saved me.
     I got pregnant with Jackson only a month after the miscarriage of my angel baby. I didn't understand why I miscarried at the time. I only knew how much it hurt. Even though it still hurts, I know now it was so I could have my sweet, charismatic boy. For some reason I couldn't have them both. Jack is the one who truly taught me patience. He was such a sweet baby, but he was lactose intolerant, which I didn't know at the time. I just knew he was fussy and wanted to be held all the time. We switched his formula, and we were amazed at the transformation. Such a happy, smiley baby boy we had. Then, he started suffering from ear infections. And any parent with a child with chronic ear infections can tell you how frustrating that can be. They have to have so many infections in so many months before they are even considered for tubes. My poor sweet boy suffered for months. We had the tubes put in, and once again were amazed at the change. Our sweet, smiley baby was back again. Fast forward a year later, and another tube and adenoid removal surgery. Luckily, he has been fine since then. Now he is struggling with school, and learning to read. I know it is because he missed a lot of learning sounds with his ear problems, so once again I am learning to be patient and adapt. He is going to be a wonderful daddy and husband some day. I believe the patience he has given me will be given back to him ten fold. He is such a good sweet big brother, and lets Livi lead him around everywhere. He never gets frustrated with her. He loves babies, and follows them around, and holds them and loves on them. He will make someone very happy one day. I am raising a little gentleman.
     I definitely was not expecting Livia. I thought I was through having babies. I was focused on furthering my career and education. But she changed all that. At the time I was frustrated and felt like I was going to be stuck now. But Livia taught me to live life one day at a time. To appreciate the little moments. To laugh when things don't go your way. She made me realize that I don't have to rush to finish school or get a career. Those will be waiting for me. I have the rest of my life. My kids are only little once. Livia is a spunky free spirit. Everyone she meets already falls in love with her. She loves people. Any type of person, she just loves them. She will walk up to anyone and get them to smile. I know when she gets older she will keep people laughing and enjoying life. People will gravitate toward her. She will show them to enjoy the ride. She certainly has for me.

My loves!

      My children come first to me before anything and anyone else. They always will. Each of my sweet babies has shaped who I am as a person. They have made me who I am today. I may not feel like I succeed anywhere else in life, but I know one thing for sure, I am a great mother. And I have wonderful, amazing children. I was put here on Earth to be a mother. Plain and simple. That is my role in life. And it truly is magnificent.

I Am Cheap

     That's right. I am cheap and proud of it. But I like to call it being frugal or smart shopping. I used to be addicted to shopping. But when we went down to one income, I learned a lot of interesting tricks. Now I get a thrill out of saving money. And we still manage to live like we have two incomes, but without the extra costs. Here are some tricks I have learned over the last two years.
     There is no reason to ever pay retail price. If you shop online, most of the time they will offer free shipping on certain days anyways, and I always find a coupon code to save extra money on clearance items. I can get the kids' entire wardrobes for a fraction of the cost. Or I find a friend with a child a size bigger than one of mine, and one a size smaller than another of mine, and we exchange our kids' clothing! I still have satellite television, but I never pay more than $25 a month for it, and I still get the good channels, and movie channels for months at a time. I learned they always have hidden deals, and if you call every couple of months, they will give them to you to keep you a happy customer.
     I have learned that Great Value products are way cheaper than name brand products, and usually they are the same product under a different name, or they are better. Go ahead, try them sometime. I also signed up for survey and product testing companies. Now I get sent full sized products, like diapers, tooth paste, food products, baby lotion, shampoo, body wash, moisturizers to test out. They are always a name brand, and I don't have to buy these products as often anymore. Right now I am testing out Ragu pasta sauce, Charmin toilet paper, Crest tooth paste, Olay body wash, and Neutrogena moisturizer. Bonus, I get paid to try them!
     If I am going on vacation, I will book online to get extra discounts, coupon codes, and find the cheapest hotel with the best reviews. We are planning on going to San Antonio for a couple of days on the kids' Spring Break, and I won't spend more than $300 on the room and activities we have planned to do. I don't go get a manicure or a pedicure, I can do my own and keep the nail polish bottle, and chances are mine will look just as good anyways. And I still get the foot rub that goes along with it. Score!
     If you eat out a lot, sign up for emails from the restaurants. We always have a coupon for a free appetizer or dessert or free kids meals. Or a 2 for 1 meal. So we still feel like we can indulge on a strict budget. If my children get a gift they already had for Christmas or a birthday. I keep them in the box, and the next birthday party I go to with a child the same age, I don't have to go shopping for a gift. I also keep all my kids' party bags and tissue paper, and I never have to shop for those items, ever.
     I never pay more than $20 for jeans for me. At JC Penney they have really cute jeans with excellent stitching that makes them look like the expensive jeans, but for way less. I also will only buy my shirts on clearance in the off season. I recently went to Old Navy and got myself 5 shirts for less than $10.
     So yes, I may be cheap, but I love it and couldn't imagine ever paying full price for anything, even if I won the lottery. Food tastes better when it is free anyways.
   
   

Moving On

     Easier said than done. I knew one day I would have to. I know that I can only try so hard to make things that will never work, work. It's just so hard to let go of the things you had imagined. The things you wanted. The what ifs. It is hard to think of the fact that we could be much better people with other people. Even now, I have a bad habit of pushing people away that are genuinely amazing people, because I feel like I don't deserve that. At the moment, it feels wrong to feel happy. Like I am doing something I shouldn't be if I laugh or even smile.
     Believe it or not, I am genuinely happy at the thought of him being happy with someone else and moving on. He is a great guy, and a fantastic daddy. But for some reason, I was just never right for him. I should have known that from the start. But I have a knack for trying to finish what I started. I am a perfectionist, and I do not like the feeling of failure. In my heart, I know I tried my hardest, and that is what should matter. But to me, I still feel like I failed. I'm not good with endings, that is why I still have the friends I was close to, even in elementary school. Heck I am even still friends with most of my exes, so you can see I have a hard time letting go.
      But it is time. We have both felt this way for the better of two years now. It is time to stop hanging on to something that will never exist. I need to stop pushing people away, and I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. It is time to suck it up, and move on.

A Balance

     In this life there must be a balance of things. For every life that leaves this world, another precious soul enters it. For every act of evil, there is just as much kindness we don't see. Sadly enough, the violence is glorified, and gets all the attention. The good guys are not rewarded enough, while the bad guys get their fifteen minutes of fame and go down in history. Also, sadly enough, it takes these very acts of evil to wake people up. But only for a moment. Tomorrow everyone will go back to their numb, blissfully ignorant existence.
      Things like this are becoming the commonplace in our society. It is almost expected, and I don't understand this, and I never will. And instead of everyone banding together, and learning to love one another, to respect one another for our differences, everyone takes a side and makes it about politics. Honestly, to both far sides, you are wrong. And you shouldn't make this about your agenda. For those who call for the banning of all guns, well what will that solve? That will not stop the criminals from getting them. Has it with drugs? Did it with alcohol during the prohibition. No, it did not. And those who call for more guns, and the idea of arming "good guys" with guns. Well my dears, how are you to know the good guys from the bad? Even some of you put on a good show. Most bad guys were once good guys. But some people snap. Some people are weak. This is just my unbiased opinion. Yes, I do have my own opinion on the matter, and it is somewhere in the middle. Where I fall on most issues. I am lucky enough that I have an open mind, and can see valid points from both sides. And in this bipartisan world, if everyone had a little bit of that let's work together and get things done attitude, then we would be a lot better off.
      It is moments like these that remind us we are only human. We are not immortal, and life on this Earth is fleeting. Here today, gone tomorrow. So today, if you are lucky enough to have those you love around you, grab onto them and hold on for awhile. It's moments like those you will never regret. In the end, nothing else matters.

Anxious

      Today I am feeling cagey, stressed, anxious, and on edge. It seems like lately if it can go wrong it does. I wrote a blog yesterday about some of my feelings, but I cannot post it because I always have to censor myself so I don't upset others. I really don't like that. I also don't like that I am one of those people who cares so much what others think. I want everyone to like me. So when someone doesn't it kills me. I do have my own opinions, but I keep them to myself because I detest confrontation. I wish I was one of those free spirits who did what I wanted, who cared less what everyone else thought of me, and who was allowed to have my own opinions and make up my own mind.
     Christmas is coming up, and fast. I am worried about making it through this season. We still have presents to buy, but absolutely no money to buy them with. I have already delayed paying the mortgage so we could pay other bills. And it seems like everything else around me is falling apart. Both cars are at 200,000 miles. If we have one fixed and running at the time, the other one decides to quit. What if they both choose to quit at once? My phone is just about completely dead, and I can't afford to buy a new one, or my own plan. And I know this seems trivial in comparison to other people's problems, but we don't have a house phone, so that phone is my only way of communication if something goes wrong. Which scares me, because you never know.
      Get a job you say. If that were possible, believe me I would love to. But given this economy, and how little they choose to pay the LVNs in this town, my entire paycheck would go towards daycare. So I just feel stuck in this loop. Like I can't get out. I wish I could go back to school, but I don't have the funds to do so, and no I can't get a grant or financial aid because we technically make too much, and I already have a bachelors degree. How is it possible that we make too much, but can't afford the simple basics of everyday life? Some days even buying diapers is a struggle. On more than one occasion, I have had to get creative with meals. Macaroni and spam, anyone?
      I know I sound whiney today, but this is how I am feeling. I will not apologize for writing down my thoughts on my own blog. I had to write it down, and get it out so I can let it go. I am very blessed in so many other ways, believe me, I do not take those for granted. I try to be positive every single day, but being human this is not always possible. If you are truly human, and not a robot, you know I am right. I am thankful that I have three healthy, wonderful children, and that we somehow always find a way to get them the things they need. Every now and then I wish we could do more for them, because if you know my children, you know they truly are awesome little people. They are respectful and mostly well behaved. And that makes me proud. We do have a home at the moment despite being behind on payments, and electricity with heat, and that is more than some others have, so I say thank you for those things.
     I just have to remind myself that this too shall pass. It is one of my favorite quotes, and sometimes I just have to remind myself that these things that seem so important at the moment won't matter next year. Or maybe even next month for that matter. Just hold on. Try to stay positive. And forge ahead. It's all any of us can really do anyways.
      One another note: My anxiety today was also brought on by the senseless and awful tragedy that took place this morning, and I try making sense of things I don't understand by writing about them. The shooting at an Elementary School in Connecticut that took the lives of at least 26 people. Mostly innocent young children. I just do not fathom how someone could be selfish enough to harm a child. In any way. Much less take their little life away. All I could do was cry as I looked at the horrible, heartbreaking images of the scared children whose lives will never ever be the same. The poor heartbroken parents who have to come home without their children tonight and see their little unopened presents under the tree. It is things like this that magnify the small anxieties I have, because this is something that I cannot make sense of. It is one of those horrific, unpredictable tragedies that no one understand. All I can do tonight is hug my precious babies, and hold them close to me, because you never know how long you will have them for. We are all here on borrowed time, so make the best of it. And tell those you love that you love them. You may not have them tomorrow.